tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45794271637212152962024-03-08T15:59:06.743-08:00The Business Of Being TempestA personal blog about the trials and tribulations of one woman's rather un-boring life.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-12396896797687462052010-09-05T01:54:00.001-07:002010-09-05T01:54:27.968-07:00The Freaks and the Beautiful - poetryTHE FREAKS AND THE BEAUTIFUL<br />
<br />
I feel so obvious right now<br />
and not in a good way<br />
I feel I'm in the way and <br />
too hard to miss.<br />
<br />
Only standing out<br />
because I am so boring and plain<br />
the odd one out<br />
amongst the freaks and the beautiful.<br />
<br />
I hate feeling like I'm competing<br />
Like I'm competing and losing<br />
falling behind, unable to keep up<br />
with the freaks and the beautiful.<br />
<br />
I cannot compare<br />
and have no right to stand<br />
shoulder to shoulder<br />
with the freaks and the beautiful.<br />
<br />
I don't want to drag you down<br />
hold you back, taint your soul <br />
with boredom and routine<br />
you should be having fun<br />
with the freaks and the beautifulTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-34087817599166610592010-08-29T23:33:00.000-07:002010-08-30T00:14:13.909-07:00mirror mirror on the..... floor..my throat is itching and I haven't even written anything.... that's how much this stresses me out...<br /><br />Last night, laying in bed, I was thinking about my life and I came to the sad and sorry realisation that I have spent most of my life (not that it's been all that long, only 29 years) hating myself. Now I'm not talking about the odd "fat day" here and there, the rogue pimple that makes you want to hide for days, the frizzy hair days that cause you to stand in the bathroom with a hair straightener and a bottle of vodka for 3 hours. I'm talking about full blown, burning, fuel filled self-loathing. A hatred and disgust and such soul deep repulsion that I have spent a great deal of time willfully desiring to destroy myself. Rip myself apart, hack and slash and tear away the pieces that displeased me (which was about 98% of my physical being).<br /><br />It's not easy being plain, or unattractive, in a world that is so hyped up on beauty. EVERYTHING must be beautiful at all times... your home, your clothes, your accessories, your jewelry, your car, your partner, your children, everything. So when something as major and important as your own self is lacking in that department it can become distressing to see everything else around you as beautiful. It becomes habit that you start fearing how badly you taint the pretty pictures around you. <br /><br />I have spent so much time running away from the beautiful things around me, afraid that my being there would end up being so obvious and so out of place. I have destroyed my relationship time and time again in fear that I would be "found out"; that people would notice how out of place I looked next to Mojo, how far from his norm I was. I was terrified that someone would point this out and that suddenly HE would notice and recoil from the repulsion of suddenly realising how awful I really was, and how bad I made him look.<br /><br />I grew up being taught that women are objects of beauty, accessories to make their partners look good, and not much else. They were sex objects, used by men for their basic urges. Women were SUPPOSED to be beautiful at all times. They were not supposed to be ugly, or fat, or not blonde. So I grew up being the chubby, plain, brunette girl that was ashamed of everything I was and everything I was not. I haven't been able to let go of this 'truth'. As much as I logically tell myself that it cannot possibly be true society tells me every day that it is in fact, common knowledge and societal FACT that fat chicks = satan's idea of a joke. <br /><br />Fat chicks are not Mojo's women of choice, I am in a unique position (I guess) in that during the 10-odd years that we've been "together" I have seen him flit from woman to woman all of the same cut... all tiny, all gorgeous, all kinky, goth, and the absolute polar opposite of me. This kind of information doesn't do well for a woman's self esteem.... okay probably not all women, just me, but whatever. Yes, he always comes back to me... and yes, perhaps these cookie cutter goth beauties are his "rebound type" but never in my life have I ever - EVER seen Mojo even smile at a fellow fatty. This poses an unusual conundrum for me.... am I just so amazingly and fantastically awesome that Mojo just cannot help himself when it comes to loving me. (this is, of course, the right answer) OR have I made life so comfortable for him that he can just laze about (slum it) with me until Something Stunning This Way Comes? Whence he sits bolt upright, takes notice and puts his groove on. <br /><br />I know Mojo is a flirt, and a damn good one at that. It is one of the things that I love about him, funnily enough. I know he will flirt with almost any woman who happens to be in about a 10 mile radius, lol. The flirting doesn't actually worry me. Actually nothing HE does, per se, worries me. It wouldn't matter if I was in a relationship with Jesus himself, I would still fret about my existence in his life. Fear that my position will quickly be replaced by a pretty little thing who makes him look good. <br /><br />Mojo once said to me that Guys want a girl that will make their mates jealous, and if Im being honest - my lasagna isn't THAT good. <br /><br />I would hate for my daughter to be sitting at her computer in 20 years time writing something similar to this. I don't know how to instill a positive body image in her when I don't know what it means to have one myself. How do I teach her things that I don't know myself. How do I teach my son that all women are beautiful when the most important woman in his life doesn't think she is beautiful. It is frustrating and scary to think that I am bringing children up to love and respect people when I'm not sure I do a very good job of doing that very thing to my own self.<br /><br />I try very hard to be cool with myself, but being critical and cruel and judgmental to the girl in the mirror has become second nature. Being horrible to myself is like breathing. I don't even realise I'm doing it unless I really concentrate on it. And even then, the messages are so deeply ingrained that I don't know how to counteract them. I don't actually know what it's like to be with a guy who LOVES my body just because of how it is. I have no idea what it would be like to be with a guy who wants to touch me everywhere (and not just on the girly bits) because he actually LIKED those parts of me. It is completely shallow and awful but there is a small part of me that would love to be with a guy who has a pure, unadulterated fetish for fat just to experience the sensation. Mojo can tell me he thinks I'm beautiful all he likes (I believe him on some level) I've never found him looking at BBW porn. <br /><br />I'll quit moaning for now, because the kids are hungry and I need a coffee. I may or may not post more self loathing at another date...<br /><br />Till next time<br />~TempestTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-71323639030385831612010-05-25T03:46:00.000-07:002010-05-25T03:50:29.621-07:00the "joys" of parenthoodI really hate being a parent some nights... most nights. Tonight especially. I am really disliking my children. It's nights like this when I can understand parents who snap and beat their children. That overwhelming sense of frustration. <br /><br />When I feel like this, and I'm hating my life and I'm hating my children and I'm hating being a parent, it makes me not want to go to Darwin to be with Mojo. I don't want to dump this on him. I don't want to give him two unruly children and a mother who is so frazzled, stressed and unhappy that I'd like to burn my house down.<br /><br />I hate feeling like this.<br />I'm sorry love.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-48881980133436647392010-05-12T01:15:00.000-07:002010-05-12T02:07:30.321-07:00When Family is ToxicI'm really angry right now. Really, really, really angry. <br />To make it worse I have horrible stomach cramps that are just making me crankier.<br /><br />I told my Grandmother on Monday that I wouldn't be staying. I told her as gently as I could, given the circumstances. She was upset, of course, but took it well. This morning she calls me and tells me she's not up to coming to take Little Fish to school. This was fine, I didn't mind. I knew she wasn't feeling well but I couldn't help but wonder if this was a punishment. Anyway I got Little Fish to and from school via other means, so it really wasn't a problem.<br /><br />Mother came over this afternoon and tells me that Grandmother's friend (who is a nurse) believes she has had a Mini-stroke! Of course, this is all my fault. Mother didn't say that, but she said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told Grandmother. Like I said to Mother, what was I supposed to do? Lie? Disappear one day never to return? Send her a postcard after the fact??<br /><br />Grandmother is deeply saddened because she fears that she is at an age (she's 78) where this may be the last she ever sees of me, the little Fish and the little Lioness. Whilst this may be true, I cannot wait for her to die so that I am allowed to move. That is just emotional blackmail.<br /><br />Grandmother called tonight, and sounded better, said she would come tomorrow to take Little Fish to school. She still has the flu, but has recovered from this morning. I bid farewell to her and soon after Mother calls. Apparently Father had called her and asked if she knew how sick Grandmother was. Father then proceeded to barrage Mother for not changing my mind about moving. <br /><br />Father also asked why Grandmother paid for the wood for my fire. Mother explained that my Uncle (who chopped and delivered the wood) turned up unannounced and Grandmother offered to pay him. I would then get the money off Mother and reimburse her. Father was furious and asked why I hadn't given her the money yet, which Mother again explained; because I hadn't SEEN Grandmother since then. I have the money in my purse and I will be giving it back to her tomorrow.<br /><br />Mother said the whole conversation with Father was horrible, and they left with Mother saying "goodbye" and hanging up without waiting for a reply. This is SO typical of my family. All the stupid inter-fighting and blaming each other for shit. And they honestly think they could talk me into staying.... staying with THAT!<br /><br />Goddess of Money<br />and earthly delights<br />I ask for your help<br />in my personal plight.<br /><br />I'm selling my car<br />I really need cash<br />my bookcase and furniture<br />to help make the dash<br /><br />I ask you to fill<br />buyers pockets with dough<br />then send them my way<br />where their money will flow.<br /><br />I need buyers fast<br />so I can make a deposit<br />on my removalist account<br />I don't him to toss it.<br /><br />The tickets are booked<br />but I still need the money<br />so I can get all my stuff<br />to NT with my honey.<br /><br />So Mote it Be!<br />hehehe<br />impromptu spell-poetry.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-21858546108682930222010-05-11T05:47:00.000-07:002010-05-11T05:52:46.574-07:00When the Rent is due.I'm feeling really nervous about the rent situation in NT. The rents are so stupidly expensive. A 2 bedroom unit costs around $350 a week. That's $700 a fortnight - that's $100 less than I pay A MONTH for my rent now. If Mojo's not working (and neither am I) that will leave us $800 a fortnight to cover everything else. Food, bills, petrol, school fees, debts... I don't know if we'll manage it. What's worse is that the waiting list for Dept Housing is 3 years. <br />I need to get back into study and renew my skills so I can get some work. I'm so out of touch with my workplace skills.<br /><br />Anyway it's late, and I'm tired. So off to bed with me.<br />Got a lot on tomorrow.<br />xox<br />TSTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-77225241991107887182010-05-11T02:11:00.001-07:002010-05-11T02:34:06.254-07:00The Ball Is RollingIt's all happening, and I'm loving it.<br />All the family know now, of the move, and it just makes things so much easier. <br />I can actively pack and talk about my move now and it feels wonderful.<br /><br />I'm booking my tickets tomorrow. SO EXCITING!!!! It means we're actually moving, and we're REALLY doing it in June. <br /><br />I'm praying my car sells before the 1st June. I need to book my removalist ASAP so I can secure the date.<br /><br />The Moving Sale has been organised for May 29th. I'm going to organise some advertising for that this week. I need to grab some more boxes too, for the Garage Sale. I don't have many tables so I'll have to use the book-case, TV Unit, coffee tables, and Dining Table as displays for the other stuff. <br /><br />I just cannot wait to touch Mojo again. The though of that first hug gives me tingles.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-61346005554176222792010-05-07T22:52:00.001-07:002010-05-07T23:00:22.404-07:00An insecure stormI'm feeling horribly insecure at the moment. I guess it's all the talk of strippers. ALL THE TIME. How the fuck can I compete with that??? How can I expect a man to be happy coming home to this when he's been out looking at that. Strippers are strippers because men love looking at them practically naked. <br />I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to be feel secure with that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to poop on his parade, I'm happy for him to be out and about and enjoying himself. I just don't know how to be naked around him after his eyes have been bombarded with actual beauty.<br /><br />I don't want to be disappointing. I remember Mojo told me once that Guys like to have things that their peers will be envious of. Let's be honest here, no one would envy Mojo for having me. I'm not sexy or sensual. I'm to horrified of myself to go out. I don't dance. <br /><br />And maybe I've just been here too long and let myself get used to feeling like crap. And maybe I let Father's comments get to me, about how he didn't know if my weight effected my relationship but it probably did. And maybe I've just let all the talk of eating differently and getting fit and doing stuff get to me; like it's some underhanded way of telling me to stop being so damn fat all the time. <br /><br />I don't know.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-10560081094912490012010-05-07T01:23:00.000-07:002010-05-07T01:25:56.267-07:00Airfares, removalist and packing - OH MY!Going to book my tickets soon, hopefully. If Mojo is still okay to spot me the money. Mum is going to help me cull my stuff, so that basically everything that's left will be either A) Taken with me or B) Sold at the Garage Sale. <br />Selling some books and things on Ebay, hopefully I can make some money from that.<br /><br />Can't wait to get to Darwin to be with Mojo, I've been dreaming about him and every feeling was so real. *sigh*<br /><br />Booking my driving test on Monday. YAY!Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-64476269826634478032010-05-05T17:16:00.000-07:002010-05-05T17:34:59.302-07:00The ice is thinIt's 7 degrees here this morning. My hands are so numb that I can't really feel the keys under my fingers. What was the reason I'm waiting till the 17th to move?? It's only going to get colder and colder only means more miserable and miserable only means more insecure and emo.<br />I'm drinking way too much coffee and eating way too much toast because it's the only way I can get remotely warm. The fire is costing me heaps and it doesn't work as well as I would like. Even with it roaring I'm still freezing, a lot of my internal doors don't shut properly so I can't contain the heat.<br /><br />blah blah I know I'm whinging. I just hate it. I just want to be warm.<br /><br />:'(Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-79675661378380790942010-05-04T05:28:00.001-07:002010-05-04T05:38:12.108-07:00June 17thI've booked my removalist. He'll be here on the 14th June to collect my things.<br />Which means I need to have my garage sale either the weekend of the 5th or the 12th.<br />Also checked out countrycars.com.au and according to them I could get about $3000 which would be so amazingly awesome. Hell if I can get TWO GRAND that would cover the cost of my move entirely.<br /><br />I can put my car on Countrycars.com.au for $40. If I put it on there for $2000 and actually get it, god it would just be a dream come true!<br /><br />I love you, angel, I cannot wait to be there with you in the sweltering heat LOL<br />xoxoTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-18023050693372185302010-05-02T22:47:00.000-07:002010-05-02T22:58:59.951-07:00A Flawed RubyMy car needs fixing. There is something wrong with the bushes and the shocks. Got the quote to fix them today... $1680. I probably wouldn't get much more than that if I sold it. So that's probably what Im going to do, if I can sell it for $1000 then that's half of what I need to move. That way I only need to make another $1000 or so from the Garage Sale to do that.<br /><br />Here's what I'm hoping to get from the Garage Sale:<br /><br />3 seat Lounge & 2 Arm Chairs - $100 (May sell on ebay)<br />Lowline TV Unit - $30<br />Bookshelf - $30<br />5 piece Dining - $30<br />9 drawer dresser with mirror - $30<br />Childs wardrobe with draws - $20<br />lowboy 3x drawer - $10<br />2x Bedside Table = $10<br />Childs desk with 2xChairs = $10<br />Washing Machine - $20<br />Dryer - $50<br />Swing Set - $50<br />Glass Coffee Table - $20<br />Wooden Coffee Table - $10<br />Buffet & Hutch - $200 (may sell on ebay)<br />Convection Microwave - $15<br />2x double door wardrobes with key - $5 each<br />Books = $50<br />Kitchen Appliances = $10<br />Bric-a-brac = $50<br />TOTAL = $775<br /><br />Okay, so not quite $1000 but close. <br />The books/appliances/bric-a-brac is a rough estimate. I have no idea how much that stuff will go for. <br />The problem with Garage Sales is that people want to pay $2 for everything. I want my furniture to actually fetch me some good money, I'm not selling it to get rid of it exactly. I'm selling it for the money.<br /><br />*fingers crossed*Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-45490992872942107652010-05-02T01:16:00.000-07:002010-05-02T01:31:48.103-07:00We are just misguided ghostsMother knows I'm going to Darwin, and in fact the whole reveal went so smoothly it was almost a non-event and left me wondering if she actually heard me. The little Fish and Lioness stayed at Mother's house last night and apparently Lioness told her that we were "moving to Darwin to be with daddy". Mother asked Fish, who confirmed that we were going to Darwin. Part of me is annoyed that she would ask, like she was searching for information that she knew they would be to innocent to deny.<br />So Mother says to me today, are you planning on going to Darwin? To which I replied "Yes, I'm thinking about it". Mother just said "oh, tempest" and that was it. It was actually a very lovely day otherwise.<br /><br />I think Mother still thinks I'll be here till the end of my lease, because she still talks about me getting more wood to survive the winter. Wishful thinking, perhaps. Anyway my plan of action is to contact my real estate, inform them that Fish's skin has suffered since being here and I have been tentatively diagnosed with S.A.D with the options of either Drugs or moving to a warmer climate to manage it. The more notice I give them, the easier the break will be. The more time they have to find another tenant. I will tell them that my plan is to move mid-June. That gives them approximately 6 weeks notice. That should be plenty, if they do their job.<br /><br />I'm going to order some flyers for the Garage Sale, organise to sell my car and confirm my quote to move. I'll have to send Mojo to do a very small bit of house hunting, just look through a couple of places 2 weeks or so before I get there, so we can shortlist a few. Hopefully I'll have enough money for bond, otherwise we might have to apply for a bond loan through the dept housing. <br /><br />Anyway, the point is, it's all happening!<br />YAY!<br />I love you, Angel!<br />xoxoTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-3752132604882194222010-04-30T01:22:00.000-07:002010-04-30T02:26:48.868-07:00Wont somebody think of the children.SOMEONE needs to think of my children, because apparently I am not. At least that's what Mother says. I can't possibly be thinking of what's best for them if I'm thinking about going back to Hervey Bay/Mojo. <br />I tried to explain to her that I AM thinking of the children and *I* think that being with their father who loves them is the best thing. I think that me being happy and doing what makes me happy is the best thing for my children.<br /><br />Basically because I think that NOT staying in Bathurst is the best thing that = not thinking of the children. The guilt came thick and strong, and I think a small part of it believes it almost... what if this time isn't different, what if love just isn't enough, what if I really hate it there, what if I can't handle the heat?<br /><br />I'm terrified of failing, but I love Mojo too much to not try. I want to make sure I have absolutely 100% completely exhausted all options. I love him :(<br /><br />Mother pointed out that this house will be very hard to rent, so "good luck breaking the lease". God I feel so defeated. I just want to be with the man I love, I feel like it's becoming so difficult. I'm tired and weary and cold.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-29430447404910968472010-04-28T23:08:00.000-07:002010-04-28T23:35:34.317-07:00ebb and flowI don't know why, but I feel really defeated today. I'm tired and weary and I don't know what to do. I guess I'm feeling unattractive and a bit insecure. I'm frustrated and struggling between being practical and following my dreams.<br /><br />There is a part of me that just wants to sell everything and go, but that practical part of me tells me that can't happen. That I need to have 'things' like the fridge and the beds and the sofa, otherwise I'll be letting my children down.<br /><br />We could just get a fully furnished house, there are plenty of those up in Darwin. It's always the same around this time in the afternoon. The cool is setting in, kids are home, Mojo is off somewhere doing his thing and I'm feeling hopeless.<br /><br />I'm really, really nervous that the $950 quote I was given to move some of my things to NT is wrong. All the others have been $1500 and above (for the fridge, sofa, 3xbeds and mattresses, the TV and 10 boxes) and it IS Mercury Retrograde after all; notorious for things hidden in the small print, and communicative disasters.<br /><br />I know I should just be cool, everything will happen in it's time - when it's supposed to. It's hard when you miss someone, it's even harder when you miss them because of your own doing. I needed to be here, to see M, to get my license and a few other things but still... *emo*<br /><br /><br />till next time<br />~TSTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-76436157900869071792010-04-28T01:51:00.000-07:002010-04-28T02:44:11.247-07:00The transformation continuesHad psychology today. <br />Was a good session. <br /><br />After wards I sat down with my Nanna and talked about it. She asked me point blank was I "unconditionally in love" with Mojo? I replied that yes I was. She couldn't understand and asked me what it was about him that I loved so much even after everything he had put me through. I told her I would like to ask him the same thing. I went on to elaborate that Mojo was not the criminal in our union, I was EQUALLY (if not slightly more) responsible for the demise of our love life. I disclosed a few things that I had spoken to M about; my issues with motivation, my hypocritical tendencies (times I'd told him we needed to do things to help our relationship and then refused to do those very things when he suggest them), the fact that I put him through as much crap as he had put me through.<br />I also tried to explain to her that there were parts of Mojo that fit so beautifully in my heart, I couldn't ignore them. I know she didn't really understand that but she tried and I appreciate that.<br /><br />So now she knows that there is a very real possibility that I will return to Mojo, I didn't lie about it. She was sad, and said it broke her heart when I left but that she thought she understood.<br /><br />Seems I'm transforming my family one member at a time. It's a good feeling. I feel calm now, like I don't NEED to run away. That I can leave in my own time when I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready now. I would love to be with Mojo NOW, but I know I have a bit more to do here. Some more cleansing before I go back.<br /><br />I know when the timing is right the Goddess will take me to Mojo.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-81789396797778908002010-04-27T02:33:00.000-07:002010-04-27T03:32:56.506-07:00UFOs, Love and DarwinMojo wrote a blog today, and sent it to me to read. <br />I was so deeply touched. I won't go into what was said, but I will say it was the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Mojo and I have been doing our thing for 10 years, and while I always knew he loved me I really had no idea to what degree. For a long time I had thought I was a convenience, a habit, an addiction. I thought maybe I would just do... that it was just a bit better being with me than being single. I don't have those doubts now. <br />I have a renewed dedication to get to Darwin. I am a little overwhelmed at the things Mojo said about me in his blog, how he felt, the way he saw me. I'm humbled and so very much in love with him.<br /><br />As if that wasn't awesome enough, Mojo told me that the UFOs are re-appearing in Darwin. For those of you who don't know I'm a complete UFO geek. I love them, I love aliens, close encounters, the whole thing! Mojo told me that UFO sightings where in the news papers a LOT, so I did some googling and found some sighting reports from THREE DAYS AGO!! W00T!!! So exciting.<br /><br />This was the sign I was asking for only hours earlier. I was feeling nervous and unsure. I had only spoken to Mojo for 20minutes before and was feeling deflated. I was terrified that moving to Darwin was going to be the wrong choice. I know now that it's not. It is absolutely the right thing for me to do. I know it with everything I am.<br /><br />Now I really want to start planning; contacting some removal companies, revising my budget as best I can, and breaking the news to my family. <br /><br />In Mojo's blog he likens me to a Vessel, one that gets filled up and needs time to empty the crap that people have offloaded to me. I had never really looked at myself like that, but it makes so much sense. I was really touched to know Mojo saw that in me. <br /><br />*sighs* What I wouldn't give, right now, to hug him. <br />I love you.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-32591472235559204632010-04-26T18:37:00.001-07:002010-04-26T19:17:50.672-07:0011 DegreesIt's almost midday and it's 11 degrees. ELEVEN FUCKING DEGREES. I shouldn't complain, I was the one who said she liked the cold. I was the one who had romanticised it. Foolishly, of course, I had remembered my first winter in Bx with Mojo. The freezing hands and the scarves and the hot steaming coffee and the snuggling up on the couch to play xbox and the warmth of movie theaters. That's what I remembered, and that's what I somehow envisioned Bx to be like this time around... only it doesn't work when Mojo isn't here.<br /><br />My fire doesn't work well, it's not efficient. I'm going through wood like no tomorrow. Not only can I not afford to go through wood this fast, it's a real pain in the ass to have to restart my fire every couple of hours. I actually have to leave the door slightly open to keep it burning!<br /><br />I just want to be warm. I just want to be in Darwin with Mojo and the sunshine. I really miss being warm. I used to prefer being cold, but now I just can't stand it. I just want to curl up and sleep... hibernate. Worst of it is... it's not even winter yet!!!<br /><br />I have to get out of here. I'm going to talk to M (psychologist) tomorrow, seriously about leaving. I just cannot stand it here. :(Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-64541774326693411852010-04-25T03:31:00.001-07:002010-04-25T04:20:26.314-07:00IronFestIronFest today. I do love that festival, and actually the cold suits it well - sort of adds to the atmosphere.<br />Got to see some great artists, amazingly tallented people doing wonderful things with their art. <a href="http://www.lanadeangelis.com">Lana DeAngelis</a> was brilliant. I just loved her.<br /><br />Being there, at IronFest, reinforced how much I missed Mojo. So many things, people, clothes, boots, hair I wanted to point out to him.... only he wasn't there to see it. Standing in the cold, by gas heaters sipping coffee listening to local singers just made me want to stand closer to him. <br />:(<br /><br /><br />What was most interesting about the day was the talk I had with my Father. He was more understanding of my position than I expected him to be. Obviously he doesn't want me to go back to Mojo, but I think he knows it's on the cards. <br /><br />I wish I could cram all my sessions with the Psych into one week, just get it over and done with so I can go. I just want to go. Even today, when I was happy and having a good time and enjoying a break from the kids. Even then, I just wanted Mojo to be with me.<br /><br />Sometimes... not very often, but sometimes... I wish I didn't love him. I think it would be better for him if I didn't. Less chaotic, less heartbreaking. I don't know.<br /><br />I'm cold.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-80522367020814786182010-04-24T05:28:00.000-07:002010-04-24T05:44:33.847-07:00The business of being EMO!I'm really missing Mojo, and at times it's making me feel weak and pathetic. I really want to be with him, but at this point I'm worried I won't have the strength. I'm frightened I wont handle Darwin, wont cope in the heat. He deserves happiness, and stability and I selfishly want that happiness to be with me.<br /><br />I know if I can get to the bottom of my cycles, and understand and prevent them that we can be happy together. <br /><br />I'm feeling so emo, I miss hearing his voice before I go to bed. I want to be able to whisper 'i love you' into his skin the way I did in the past. I want to feel those butterflies when he kisses me.<br /><br />I just want to be there, with him, in his arms. I love him.<br /><br />xoxTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-54993058799988729982010-04-23T20:52:00.000-07:002010-04-23T20:59:12.613-07:00The AftermathThankfully things turned out to be not as devestating as I first predicted. Mother didn't go home and rant to the rest of The Family. This is good for several reasons, 1. It means I get to enjoy dinner out tonight and IronFest tomorrow, 2. It means I get more time with M (psych) to formulate my plan and 3. It gives me more time to save/cull/sell/pack my things and my money so that I don't have to rush away.<br /><br />There is a small part of me that would have liked to use the meltdown as an excuse to leave early; but I made a plan to leave at the end of May/beginning of June and I really need to stick to that plan. <br /><br />Strangely enough; going to Zumba today helped me release a lot of the anger and frustration I managed to build up from last night.<br /><br />I'm really nervous about moving to Darwin, I miss Mojo like crazy but there is still a little part of me that worries it's not the right place for me. It's hot, hotter than Hervey Bay and I complained enough living in the Bay about the heat.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm kinda exhausted and would love to have a nap right now lol<br />~TSTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-41941710995449527572010-04-23T05:26:00.000-07:002010-04-23T05:27:02.918-07:00Clarification in the form of Tarot1. The Now: Green Dragon Page. (fell from deck) reversed?<br />Your point of view is not appreciated. Think before you speak. Although you feel unappreciated do not rebel, keep focused and look beyond how you might feel at this time. As always it will blow over.<br /><br />2. The Influential Vibrations: Green Dragon Ten(10)<br />A true sense of security is beginning to happen. It will come together. In working towards a successful completion, the key word now is organisation.<br />*Proximity: White Tiger 3: Money, property causing concern. Feelings are hurt and there is anger in the air. If not resolved a relationship could be severed,<br /><br />3. The Reason: White Tiger Three(3)<br />Dispute and disagreement can escalate the emotional circumstances. Try to understand. Get a grip and avoid upheaval. The sudden change impacts all concerned. No amount of blame can alter anyone's feelings. Use and release.<br /><br />4: The Last Ten Days: White Tiger Six(6) reversed<br />Forging ahead can only make things worse. Don't give in to your negetive thoughts. A positive cycle change is imminent and beneficial. A slight setback regarding plans will eventuatually prove to be more advantageous. Take this time to evaluate your intentions.<br /><br />5. Possible Consequences: Materialism<br />The sooner you put a halt to your present situation the better it will be. You have created an almost impossible position for yourself. Mend bridges & conserve what you can. Recognise something has to change. Be open and say it as it is.<br /><br />6. The Next Ten Days: Red Phoenix Three(3) <br />Celebration time is on the way. Enjoy the feeling and use it well.Good things are happening. Something is in the latter stages of development that will be pleasing and most satisfactory.<br /><br />7. The Apprehension I Feel: Transition<br />You are beginning to see a new you. It has not been easy to reach this point. Refuse to look back, the path you have walked and the experiences you have had are in the past. Complete change is entering your present circumstances. Transition cleanses, leaving you free to dream a new dream. Be open to a new strength.<br /><br />8. The Feelings of Others: Green Dragon Nine (9)<br />Perhaps your sense of security prevents you from exploring beyond your comfort zone? Wanting something more from life, but unable to pinpoint what. Truth maybe that you like it this way. Perhaps you need a zap of colour to your life.<br /><br />9. The Positive Aspect: Justice<br />You will receive what you have earned. Positive vibrations will create a new vista of opportunities. Positive vibratory flow is now beginning. It is important that you do not look back. Old patterns do not fit in the scheme of things. Justice will compensate, time to have patience.<br /><br />10. The Expected Results in Thirty Days: The Emperor<br />With discipline you can acheive your goal. Precise planning is called for. Everything has its own time to mature. That being so, avoid breaking your own rules. You created a plan, you set the time element, and now you are ready to make it happen. If the situation becomes problematic and chaos sets in, adjustments may need to be made.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-16155801423156189582010-04-22T23:57:00.000-07:002010-04-25T03:30:23.282-07:00Up the creek...Well.... it's out.... sort of.<br /><br />Mother knows I'm thinking of going, she assumed back with Mojo. I lied - because I just don't want to deal with that right now - and said Hervey Bay. Mother assumed Jamie would go back to Hervey Bay if I was there. I told her Mojo has no intention of moving out of Darwin.<br /><br />Everything happens for a reason right?<br /><br />I actually feel bad for her. I know she's heartbroken and angry and feels betrayed and I feel bad for that. I know she will miss the kids. <br /><br />I'm just waiting for the abusive phone calls now. I was supposed to go to Iron Fest on Sunday with Father, I can see that NOT happening now. No doubt Mother will be straight on the phone to him. No doubt he will ring to tear strips off me. <br /><br />I was sort of hoping that I could have avoided this for a few weeks. At LEAST until the middle of May! WTF is going on now. This may bring my move forward if I have to live here with them and the bullshit that's going to ensue.<br /><br />damnit!Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-39043705028998493242010-04-22T20:08:00.000-07:002010-04-22T20:48:03.722-07:00Greener PasturesSo The decision has been made. I'm moving as soon as I can post May 11th. I made the decision on my own; without consulting anyone, or asking for permission. As it should be, me being an adult and a parent and my own person.<br /><br />Screw everyone else. Fuck them all with their guilt tripping and manipulation tactics. Moving away from Bathurst will NOT screw up my children, it will not result in a shit education and stupid kids. It will not make them resent and loathe me growing up. I didn't move around as a kid, and I resent and loathe my family anyway. <br /><br />Think I might start slowing selling bits and pieces... books mainly. I'm waiting to get some quotes from removalists for a few items and if the quote is reasonable I'll take some of my books.<br /><br />I can't wait to be with him, back in his arms; exactly where I belong. I had things to learn, and I am learning them hard and fast. I know it will make me a better person, a better lover/wife/mother for my family. My clan. <br /><br />I don't even care if I'm addicted. It feels right and it feels good. I love him. <br /><br />~TSTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-3661989178082489342010-04-21T22:50:00.000-07:002010-04-22T00:01:46.090-07:00Crazy like a fox!I don't want to wait until someone else tells me it's okay to move to Darwin. Why can't I tell myself it's okay? Why is my own permission not enough?<br /><br />I am craving Mojo's touch and it's driving my crazy. I can remember how warm his skin is, how he smells, the way he feels. Yes, I am sending myself crazy with frustration. <br /><br />It's Mercury Retrograde at the moment (through Taurus, for those of you who care) and regardless of how extruciating it is to wait, I will not under any circumstances knowingly move in a Merc Rx. It's just contractual suicide and I'm bad enough with being "tied down" as it is. So I will do my best to wait till AT LEAST 11th May before I move.<br /><br />I will try, my hardest, to be patient. I owe it to Mojo to be me best when I get back to him. I hope he can wait for me.<br /><br />xo<br />~TSTempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4579427163721215296.post-55075799220826122652010-04-21T02:34:00.000-07:002010-04-21T02:50:37.018-07:00An uphill battleI'm struggling. Really, really struggling and it's scaring me. I haven't felt this desperate and anxious in so long. I just don't know what to do with it. I cannot sleep, I can't eat properly, I feel nauseas and horrible.<br /><br />My heart is telling me to just go. Run. Sell everything you own, throw it out, burn it, whatever GET RID OF IT and fly. My mind is telling me to just wait... but I don't know what I'm waiting for... permission? I'm never going to get that. Assurance that Mojo really wants me there, and that I'm not something to amuse him while he's bored? How can I really know if he's telling me the truth... I want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to fuck it up again. <br /><br />I just want to love Mojo, and live quietly in our own way with our family and be happy. I'm scared the psychologist is going to make me wait for ever before I can go. I know she can't really MAKE me wait... no one can make me wait. <br /><br />God I hate being such a fucking coward.<br />I'm sorry, Mojo.Tempest Starhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04795279250206807174noreply@blogger.com0