Wont somebody think of the children.

SOMEONE needs to think of my children, because apparently I am not. At least that's what Mother says. I can't possibly be thinking of what's best for them if I'm thinking about going back to Hervey Bay/Mojo.
I tried to explain to her that I AM thinking of the children and *I* think that being with their father who loves them is the best thing. I think that me being happy and doing what makes me happy is the best thing for my children.

Basically because I think that NOT staying in Bathurst is the best thing that = not thinking of the children. The guilt came thick and strong, and I think a small part of it believes it almost... what if this time isn't different, what if love just isn't enough, what if I really hate it there, what if I can't handle the heat?

I'm terrified of failing, but I love Mojo too much to not try. I want to make sure I have absolutely 100% completely exhausted all options. I love him :(

Mother pointed out that this house will be very hard to rent, so "good luck breaking the lease". God I feel so defeated. I just want to be with the man I love, I feel like it's becoming so difficult. I'm tired and weary and cold.

ebb and flow

I don't know why, but I feel really defeated today. I'm tired and weary and I don't know what to do. I guess I'm feeling unattractive and a bit insecure. I'm frustrated and struggling between being practical and following my dreams.

There is a part of me that just wants to sell everything and go, but that practical part of me tells me that can't happen. That I need to have 'things' like the fridge and the beds and the sofa, otherwise I'll be letting my children down.

We could just get a fully furnished house, there are plenty of those up in Darwin. It's always the same around this time in the afternoon. The cool is setting in, kids are home, Mojo is off somewhere doing his thing and I'm feeling hopeless.

I'm really, really nervous that the $950 quote I was given to move some of my things to NT is wrong. All the others have been $1500 and above (for the fridge, sofa, 3xbeds and mattresses, the TV and 10 boxes) and it IS Mercury Retrograde after all; notorious for things hidden in the small print, and communicative disasters.

I know I should just be cool, everything will happen in it's time - when it's supposed to. It's hard when you miss someone, it's even harder when you miss them because of your own doing. I needed to be here, to see M, to get my license and a few other things but still... *emo*


till next time
~TS

The transformation continues

Had psychology today.
Was a good session.

After wards I sat down with my Nanna and talked about it. She asked me point blank was I "unconditionally in love" with Mojo? I replied that yes I was. She couldn't understand and asked me what it was about him that I loved so much even after everything he had put me through. I told her I would like to ask him the same thing. I went on to elaborate that Mojo was not the criminal in our union, I was EQUALLY (if not slightly more) responsible for the demise of our love life. I disclosed a few things that I had spoken to M about; my issues with motivation, my hypocritical tendencies (times I'd told him we needed to do things to help our relationship and then refused to do those very things when he suggest them), the fact that I put him through as much crap as he had put me through.
I also tried to explain to her that there were parts of Mojo that fit so beautifully in my heart, I couldn't ignore them. I know she didn't really understand that but she tried and I appreciate that.

So now she knows that there is a very real possibility that I will return to Mojo, I didn't lie about it. She was sad, and said it broke her heart when I left but that she thought she understood.

Seems I'm transforming my family one member at a time. It's a good feeling. I feel calm now, like I don't NEED to run away. That I can leave in my own time when I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready now. I would love to be with Mojo NOW, but I know I have a bit more to do here. Some more cleansing before I go back.

I know when the timing is right the Goddess will take me to Mojo.

UFOs, Love and Darwin

Mojo wrote a blog today, and sent it to me to read.
I was so deeply touched. I won't go into what was said, but I will say it was the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Mojo and I have been doing our thing for 10 years, and while I always knew he loved me I really had no idea to what degree. For a long time I had thought I was a convenience, a habit, an addiction. I thought maybe I would just do... that it was just a bit better being with me than being single. I don't have those doubts now.
I have a renewed dedication to get to Darwin. I am a little overwhelmed at the things Mojo said about me in his blog, how he felt, the way he saw me. I'm humbled and so very much in love with him.

As if that wasn't awesome enough, Mojo told me that the UFOs are re-appearing in Darwin. For those of you who don't know I'm a complete UFO geek. I love them, I love aliens, close encounters, the whole thing! Mojo told me that UFO sightings where in the news papers a LOT, so I did some googling and found some sighting reports from THREE DAYS AGO!! W00T!!! So exciting.

This was the sign I was asking for only hours earlier. I was feeling nervous and unsure. I had only spoken to Mojo for 20minutes before and was feeling deflated. I was terrified that moving to Darwin was going to be the wrong choice. I know now that it's not. It is absolutely the right thing for me to do. I know it with everything I am.

Now I really want to start planning; contacting some removal companies, revising my budget as best I can, and breaking the news to my family.

In Mojo's blog he likens me to a Vessel, one that gets filled up and needs time to empty the crap that people have offloaded to me. I had never really looked at myself like that, but it makes so much sense. I was really touched to know Mojo saw that in me.

*sighs* What I wouldn't give, right now, to hug him.
I love you.

11 Degrees

It's almost midday and it's 11 degrees. ELEVEN FUCKING DEGREES. I shouldn't complain, I was the one who said she liked the cold. I was the one who had romanticised it. Foolishly, of course, I had remembered my first winter in Bx with Mojo. The freezing hands and the scarves and the hot steaming coffee and the snuggling up on the couch to play xbox and the warmth of movie theaters. That's what I remembered, and that's what I somehow envisioned Bx to be like this time around... only it doesn't work when Mojo isn't here.

My fire doesn't work well, it's not efficient. I'm going through wood like no tomorrow. Not only can I not afford to go through wood this fast, it's a real pain in the ass to have to restart my fire every couple of hours. I actually have to leave the door slightly open to keep it burning!

I just want to be warm. I just want to be in Darwin with Mojo and the sunshine. I really miss being warm. I used to prefer being cold, but now I just can't stand it. I just want to curl up and sleep... hibernate. Worst of it is... it's not even winter yet!!!

I have to get out of here. I'm going to talk to M (psychologist) tomorrow, seriously about leaving. I just cannot stand it here. :(

IronFest

IronFest today. I do love that festival, and actually the cold suits it well - sort of adds to the atmosphere.
Got to see some great artists, amazingly tallented people doing wonderful things with their art. Lana DeAngelis was brilliant. I just loved her.

Being there, at IronFest, reinforced how much I missed Mojo. So many things, people, clothes, boots, hair I wanted to point out to him.... only he wasn't there to see it. Standing in the cold, by gas heaters sipping coffee listening to local singers just made me want to stand closer to him.
:(


What was most interesting about the day was the talk I had with my Father. He was more understanding of my position than I expected him to be. Obviously he doesn't want me to go back to Mojo, but I think he knows it's on the cards.

I wish I could cram all my sessions with the Psych into one week, just get it over and done with so I can go. I just want to go. Even today, when I was happy and having a good time and enjoying a break from the kids. Even then, I just wanted Mojo to be with me.

Sometimes... not very often, but sometimes... I wish I didn't love him. I think it would be better for him if I didn't. Less chaotic, less heartbreaking. I don't know.

I'm cold.

The business of being EMO!

I'm really missing Mojo, and at times it's making me feel weak and pathetic. I really want to be with him, but at this point I'm worried I won't have the strength. I'm frightened I wont handle Darwin, wont cope in the heat. He deserves happiness, and stability and I selfishly want that happiness to be with me.

I know if I can get to the bottom of my cycles, and understand and prevent them that we can be happy together.

I'm feeling so emo, I miss hearing his voice before I go to bed. I want to be able to whisper 'i love you' into his skin the way I did in the past. I want to feel those butterflies when he kisses me.

I just want to be there, with him, in his arms. I love him.

xox