Friday, May 7, 2010

An insecure storm

I'm feeling horribly insecure at the moment. I guess it's all the talk of strippers. ALL THE TIME. How the fuck can I compete with that??? How can I expect a man to be happy coming home to this when he's been out looking at that. Strippers are strippers because men love looking at them practically naked.
I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to be feel secure with that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to poop on his parade, I'm happy for him to be out and about and enjoying himself. I just don't know how to be naked around him after his eyes have been bombarded with actual beauty.

I don't want to be disappointing. I remember Mojo told me once that Guys like to have things that their peers will be envious of. Let's be honest here, no one would envy Mojo for having me. I'm not sexy or sensual. I'm to horrified of myself to go out. I don't dance.

And maybe I've just been here too long and let myself get used to feeling like crap. And maybe I let Father's comments get to me, about how he didn't know if my weight effected my relationship but it probably did. And maybe I've just let all the talk of eating differently and getting fit and doing stuff get to me; like it's some underhanded way of telling me to stop being so damn fat all the time.

I don't know.

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