THE FREAKS AND THE BEAUTIFUL
I feel so obvious right now
and not in a good way
I feel I'm in the way and
too hard to miss.
Only standing out
because I am so boring and plain
the odd one out
amongst the freaks and the beautiful.
I hate feeling like I'm competing
Like I'm competing and losing
falling behind, unable to keep up
with the freaks and the beautiful.
I cannot compare
and have no right to stand
shoulder to shoulder
with the freaks and the beautiful.
I don't want to drag you down
hold you back, taint your soul
with boredom and routine
you should be having fun
with the freaks and the beautiful
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
mirror mirror on the..... floor..
my throat is itching and I haven't even written anything.... that's how much this stresses me out...
Last night, laying in bed, I was thinking about my life and I came to the sad and sorry realisation that I have spent most of my life (not that it's been all that long, only 29 years) hating myself. Now I'm not talking about the odd "fat day" here and there, the rogue pimple that makes you want to hide for days, the frizzy hair days that cause you to stand in the bathroom with a hair straightener and a bottle of vodka for 3 hours. I'm talking about full blown, burning, fuel filled self-loathing. A hatred and disgust and such soul deep repulsion that I have spent a great deal of time willfully desiring to destroy myself. Rip myself apart, hack and slash and tear away the pieces that displeased me (which was about 98% of my physical being).
It's not easy being plain, or unattractive, in a world that is so hyped up on beauty. EVERYTHING must be beautiful at all times... your home, your clothes, your accessories, your jewelry, your car, your partner, your children, everything. So when something as major and important as your own self is lacking in that department it can become distressing to see everything else around you as beautiful. It becomes habit that you start fearing how badly you taint the pretty pictures around you.
I have spent so much time running away from the beautiful things around me, afraid that my being there would end up being so obvious and so out of place. I have destroyed my relationship time and time again in fear that I would be "found out"; that people would notice how out of place I looked next to Mojo, how far from his norm I was. I was terrified that someone would point this out and that suddenly HE would notice and recoil from the repulsion of suddenly realising how awful I really was, and how bad I made him look.
I grew up being taught that women are objects of beauty, accessories to make their partners look good, and not much else. They were sex objects, used by men for their basic urges. Women were SUPPOSED to be beautiful at all times. They were not supposed to be ugly, or fat, or not blonde. So I grew up being the chubby, plain, brunette girl that was ashamed of everything I was and everything I was not. I haven't been able to let go of this 'truth'. As much as I logically tell myself that it cannot possibly be true society tells me every day that it is in fact, common knowledge and societal FACT that fat chicks = satan's idea of a joke.
Fat chicks are not Mojo's women of choice, I am in a unique position (I guess) in that during the 10-odd years that we've been "together" I have seen him flit from woman to woman all of the same cut... all tiny, all gorgeous, all kinky, goth, and the absolute polar opposite of me. This kind of information doesn't do well for a woman's self esteem.... okay probably not all women, just me, but whatever. Yes, he always comes back to me... and yes, perhaps these cookie cutter goth beauties are his "rebound type" but never in my life have I ever - EVER seen Mojo even smile at a fellow fatty. This poses an unusual conundrum for me.... am I just so amazingly and fantastically awesome that Mojo just cannot help himself when it comes to loving me. (this is, of course, the right answer) OR have I made life so comfortable for him that he can just laze about (slum it) with me until Something Stunning This Way Comes? Whence he sits bolt upright, takes notice and puts his groove on.
I know Mojo is a flirt, and a damn good one at that. It is one of the things that I love about him, funnily enough. I know he will flirt with almost any woman who happens to be in about a 10 mile radius, lol. The flirting doesn't actually worry me. Actually nothing HE does, per se, worries me. It wouldn't matter if I was in a relationship with Jesus himself, I would still fret about my existence in his life. Fear that my position will quickly be replaced by a pretty little thing who makes him look good.
Mojo once said to me that Guys want a girl that will make their mates jealous, and if Im being honest - my lasagna isn't THAT good.
I would hate for my daughter to be sitting at her computer in 20 years time writing something similar to this. I don't know how to instill a positive body image in her when I don't know what it means to have one myself. How do I teach her things that I don't know myself. How do I teach my son that all women are beautiful when the most important woman in his life doesn't think she is beautiful. It is frustrating and scary to think that I am bringing children up to love and respect people when I'm not sure I do a very good job of doing that very thing to my own self.
I try very hard to be cool with myself, but being critical and cruel and judgmental to the girl in the mirror has become second nature. Being horrible to myself is like breathing. I don't even realise I'm doing it unless I really concentrate on it. And even then, the messages are so deeply ingrained that I don't know how to counteract them. I don't actually know what it's like to be with a guy who LOVES my body just because of how it is. I have no idea what it would be like to be with a guy who wants to touch me everywhere (and not just on the girly bits) because he actually LIKED those parts of me. It is completely shallow and awful but there is a small part of me that would love to be with a guy who has a pure, unadulterated fetish for fat just to experience the sensation. Mojo can tell me he thinks I'm beautiful all he likes (I believe him on some level) I've never found him looking at BBW porn.
I'll quit moaning for now, because the kids are hungry and I need a coffee. I may or may not post more self loathing at another date...
Till next time
~Tempest
Last night, laying in bed, I was thinking about my life and I came to the sad and sorry realisation that I have spent most of my life (not that it's been all that long, only 29 years) hating myself. Now I'm not talking about the odd "fat day" here and there, the rogue pimple that makes you want to hide for days, the frizzy hair days that cause you to stand in the bathroom with a hair straightener and a bottle of vodka for 3 hours. I'm talking about full blown, burning, fuel filled self-loathing. A hatred and disgust and such soul deep repulsion that I have spent a great deal of time willfully desiring to destroy myself. Rip myself apart, hack and slash and tear away the pieces that displeased me (which was about 98% of my physical being).
It's not easy being plain, or unattractive, in a world that is so hyped up on beauty. EVERYTHING must be beautiful at all times... your home, your clothes, your accessories, your jewelry, your car, your partner, your children, everything. So when something as major and important as your own self is lacking in that department it can become distressing to see everything else around you as beautiful. It becomes habit that you start fearing how badly you taint the pretty pictures around you.
I have spent so much time running away from the beautiful things around me, afraid that my being there would end up being so obvious and so out of place. I have destroyed my relationship time and time again in fear that I would be "found out"; that people would notice how out of place I looked next to Mojo, how far from his norm I was. I was terrified that someone would point this out and that suddenly HE would notice and recoil from the repulsion of suddenly realising how awful I really was, and how bad I made him look.
I grew up being taught that women are objects of beauty, accessories to make their partners look good, and not much else. They were sex objects, used by men for their basic urges. Women were SUPPOSED to be beautiful at all times. They were not supposed to be ugly, or fat, or not blonde. So I grew up being the chubby, plain, brunette girl that was ashamed of everything I was and everything I was not. I haven't been able to let go of this 'truth'. As much as I logically tell myself that it cannot possibly be true society tells me every day that it is in fact, common knowledge and societal FACT that fat chicks = satan's idea of a joke.
Fat chicks are not Mojo's women of choice, I am in a unique position (I guess) in that during the 10-odd years that we've been "together" I have seen him flit from woman to woman all of the same cut... all tiny, all gorgeous, all kinky, goth, and the absolute polar opposite of me. This kind of information doesn't do well for a woman's self esteem.... okay probably not all women, just me, but whatever. Yes, he always comes back to me... and yes, perhaps these cookie cutter goth beauties are his "rebound type" but never in my life have I ever - EVER seen Mojo even smile at a fellow fatty. This poses an unusual conundrum for me.... am I just so amazingly and fantastically awesome that Mojo just cannot help himself when it comes to loving me. (this is, of course, the right answer) OR have I made life so comfortable for him that he can just laze about (slum it) with me until Something Stunning This Way Comes? Whence he sits bolt upright, takes notice and puts his groove on.
I know Mojo is a flirt, and a damn good one at that. It is one of the things that I love about him, funnily enough. I know he will flirt with almost any woman who happens to be in about a 10 mile radius, lol. The flirting doesn't actually worry me. Actually nothing HE does, per se, worries me. It wouldn't matter if I was in a relationship with Jesus himself, I would still fret about my existence in his life. Fear that my position will quickly be replaced by a pretty little thing who makes him look good.
Mojo once said to me that Guys want a girl that will make their mates jealous, and if Im being honest - my lasagna isn't THAT good.
I would hate for my daughter to be sitting at her computer in 20 years time writing something similar to this. I don't know how to instill a positive body image in her when I don't know what it means to have one myself. How do I teach her things that I don't know myself. How do I teach my son that all women are beautiful when the most important woman in his life doesn't think she is beautiful. It is frustrating and scary to think that I am bringing children up to love and respect people when I'm not sure I do a very good job of doing that very thing to my own self.
I try very hard to be cool with myself, but being critical and cruel and judgmental to the girl in the mirror has become second nature. Being horrible to myself is like breathing. I don't even realise I'm doing it unless I really concentrate on it. And even then, the messages are so deeply ingrained that I don't know how to counteract them. I don't actually know what it's like to be with a guy who LOVES my body just because of how it is. I have no idea what it would be like to be with a guy who wants to touch me everywhere (and not just on the girly bits) because he actually LIKED those parts of me. It is completely shallow and awful but there is a small part of me that would love to be with a guy who has a pure, unadulterated fetish for fat just to experience the sensation. Mojo can tell me he thinks I'm beautiful all he likes (I believe him on some level) I've never found him looking at BBW porn.
I'll quit moaning for now, because the kids are hungry and I need a coffee. I may or may not post more self loathing at another date...
Till next time
~Tempest
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
the "joys" of parenthood
I really hate being a parent some nights... most nights. Tonight especially. I am really disliking my children. It's nights like this when I can understand parents who snap and beat their children. That overwhelming sense of frustration.
When I feel like this, and I'm hating my life and I'm hating my children and I'm hating being a parent, it makes me not want to go to Darwin to be with Mojo. I don't want to dump this on him. I don't want to give him two unruly children and a mother who is so frazzled, stressed and unhappy that I'd like to burn my house down.
I hate feeling like this.
I'm sorry love.
When I feel like this, and I'm hating my life and I'm hating my children and I'm hating being a parent, it makes me not want to go to Darwin to be with Mojo. I don't want to dump this on him. I don't want to give him two unruly children and a mother who is so frazzled, stressed and unhappy that I'd like to burn my house down.
I hate feeling like this.
I'm sorry love.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
When Family is Toxic
I'm really angry right now. Really, really, really angry.
To make it worse I have horrible stomach cramps that are just making me crankier.
I told my Grandmother on Monday that I wouldn't be staying. I told her as gently as I could, given the circumstances. She was upset, of course, but took it well. This morning she calls me and tells me she's not up to coming to take Little Fish to school. This was fine, I didn't mind. I knew she wasn't feeling well but I couldn't help but wonder if this was a punishment. Anyway I got Little Fish to and from school via other means, so it really wasn't a problem.
Mother came over this afternoon and tells me that Grandmother's friend (who is a nurse) believes she has had a Mini-stroke! Of course, this is all my fault. Mother didn't say that, but she said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told Grandmother. Like I said to Mother, what was I supposed to do? Lie? Disappear one day never to return? Send her a postcard after the fact??
Grandmother is deeply saddened because she fears that she is at an age (she's 78) where this may be the last she ever sees of me, the little Fish and the little Lioness. Whilst this may be true, I cannot wait for her to die so that I am allowed to move. That is just emotional blackmail.
Grandmother called tonight, and sounded better, said she would come tomorrow to take Little Fish to school. She still has the flu, but has recovered from this morning. I bid farewell to her and soon after Mother calls. Apparently Father had called her and asked if she knew how sick Grandmother was. Father then proceeded to barrage Mother for not changing my mind about moving.
Father also asked why Grandmother paid for the wood for my fire. Mother explained that my Uncle (who chopped and delivered the wood) turned up unannounced and Grandmother offered to pay him. I would then get the money off Mother and reimburse her. Father was furious and asked why I hadn't given her the money yet, which Mother again explained; because I hadn't SEEN Grandmother since then. I have the money in my purse and I will be giving it back to her tomorrow.
Mother said the whole conversation with Father was horrible, and they left with Mother saying "goodbye" and hanging up without waiting for a reply. This is SO typical of my family. All the stupid inter-fighting and blaming each other for shit. And they honestly think they could talk me into staying.... staying with THAT!
Goddess of Money
and earthly delights
I ask for your help
in my personal plight.
I'm selling my car
I really need cash
my bookcase and furniture
to help make the dash
I ask you to fill
buyers pockets with dough
then send them my way
where their money will flow.
I need buyers fast
so I can make a deposit
on my removalist account
I don't him to toss it.
The tickets are booked
but I still need the money
so I can get all my stuff
to NT with my honey.
So Mote it Be!
hehehe
impromptu spell-poetry.
To make it worse I have horrible stomach cramps that are just making me crankier.
I told my Grandmother on Monday that I wouldn't be staying. I told her as gently as I could, given the circumstances. She was upset, of course, but took it well. This morning she calls me and tells me she's not up to coming to take Little Fish to school. This was fine, I didn't mind. I knew she wasn't feeling well but I couldn't help but wonder if this was a punishment. Anyway I got Little Fish to and from school via other means, so it really wasn't a problem.
Mother came over this afternoon and tells me that Grandmother's friend (who is a nurse) believes she has had a Mini-stroke! Of course, this is all my fault. Mother didn't say that, but she said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told Grandmother. Like I said to Mother, what was I supposed to do? Lie? Disappear one day never to return? Send her a postcard after the fact??
Grandmother is deeply saddened because she fears that she is at an age (she's 78) where this may be the last she ever sees of me, the little Fish and the little Lioness. Whilst this may be true, I cannot wait for her to die so that I am allowed to move. That is just emotional blackmail.
Grandmother called tonight, and sounded better, said she would come tomorrow to take Little Fish to school. She still has the flu, but has recovered from this morning. I bid farewell to her and soon after Mother calls. Apparently Father had called her and asked if she knew how sick Grandmother was. Father then proceeded to barrage Mother for not changing my mind about moving.
Father also asked why Grandmother paid for the wood for my fire. Mother explained that my Uncle (who chopped and delivered the wood) turned up unannounced and Grandmother offered to pay him. I would then get the money off Mother and reimburse her. Father was furious and asked why I hadn't given her the money yet, which Mother again explained; because I hadn't SEEN Grandmother since then. I have the money in my purse and I will be giving it back to her tomorrow.
Mother said the whole conversation with Father was horrible, and they left with Mother saying "goodbye" and hanging up without waiting for a reply. This is SO typical of my family. All the stupid inter-fighting and blaming each other for shit. And they honestly think they could talk me into staying.... staying with THAT!
Goddess of Money
and earthly delights
I ask for your help
in my personal plight.
I'm selling my car
I really need cash
my bookcase and furniture
to help make the dash
I ask you to fill
buyers pockets with dough
then send them my way
where their money will flow.
I need buyers fast
so I can make a deposit
on my removalist account
I don't him to toss it.
The tickets are booked
but I still need the money
so I can get all my stuff
to NT with my honey.
So Mote it Be!
hehehe
impromptu spell-poetry.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
When the Rent is due.
I'm feeling really nervous about the rent situation in NT. The rents are so stupidly expensive. A 2 bedroom unit costs around $350 a week. That's $700 a fortnight - that's $100 less than I pay A MONTH for my rent now. If Mojo's not working (and neither am I) that will leave us $800 a fortnight to cover everything else. Food, bills, petrol, school fees, debts... I don't know if we'll manage it. What's worse is that the waiting list for Dept Housing is 3 years.
I need to get back into study and renew my skills so I can get some work. I'm so out of touch with my workplace skills.
Anyway it's late, and I'm tired. So off to bed with me.
Got a lot on tomorrow.
xox
TS
I need to get back into study and renew my skills so I can get some work. I'm so out of touch with my workplace skills.
Anyway it's late, and I'm tired. So off to bed with me.
Got a lot on tomorrow.
xox
TS
The Ball Is Rolling
It's all happening, and I'm loving it.
All the family know now, of the move, and it just makes things so much easier.
I can actively pack and talk about my move now and it feels wonderful.
I'm booking my tickets tomorrow. SO EXCITING!!!! It means we're actually moving, and we're REALLY doing it in June.
I'm praying my car sells before the 1st June. I need to book my removalist ASAP so I can secure the date.
The Moving Sale has been organised for May 29th. I'm going to organise some advertising for that this week. I need to grab some more boxes too, for the Garage Sale. I don't have many tables so I'll have to use the book-case, TV Unit, coffee tables, and Dining Table as displays for the other stuff.
I just cannot wait to touch Mojo again. The though of that first hug gives me tingles.
All the family know now, of the move, and it just makes things so much easier.
I can actively pack and talk about my move now and it feels wonderful.
I'm booking my tickets tomorrow. SO EXCITING!!!! It means we're actually moving, and we're REALLY doing it in June.
I'm praying my car sells before the 1st June. I need to book my removalist ASAP so I can secure the date.
The Moving Sale has been organised for May 29th. I'm going to organise some advertising for that this week. I need to grab some more boxes too, for the Garage Sale. I don't have many tables so I'll have to use the book-case, TV Unit, coffee tables, and Dining Table as displays for the other stuff.
I just cannot wait to touch Mojo again. The though of that first hug gives me tingles.
Friday, May 7, 2010
An insecure storm
I'm feeling horribly insecure at the moment. I guess it's all the talk of strippers. ALL THE TIME. How the fuck can I compete with that??? How can I expect a man to be happy coming home to this when he's been out looking at that. Strippers are strippers because men love looking at them practically naked.
I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to be feel secure with that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to poop on his parade, I'm happy for him to be out and about and enjoying himself. I just don't know how to be naked around him after his eyes have been bombarded with actual beauty.
I don't want to be disappointing. I remember Mojo told me once that Guys like to have things that their peers will be envious of. Let's be honest here, no one would envy Mojo for having me. I'm not sexy or sensual. I'm to horrified of myself to go out. I don't dance.
And maybe I've just been here too long and let myself get used to feeling like crap. And maybe I let Father's comments get to me, about how he didn't know if my weight effected my relationship but it probably did. And maybe I've just let all the talk of eating differently and getting fit and doing stuff get to me; like it's some underhanded way of telling me to stop being so damn fat all the time.
I don't know.
I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to be feel secure with that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to poop on his parade, I'm happy for him to be out and about and enjoying himself. I just don't know how to be naked around him after his eyes have been bombarded with actual beauty.
I don't want to be disappointing. I remember Mojo told me once that Guys like to have things that their peers will be envious of. Let's be honest here, no one would envy Mojo for having me. I'm not sexy or sensual. I'm to horrified of myself to go out. I don't dance.
And maybe I've just been here too long and let myself get used to feeling like crap. And maybe I let Father's comments get to me, about how he didn't know if my weight effected my relationship but it probably did. And maybe I've just let all the talk of eating differently and getting fit and doing stuff get to me; like it's some underhanded way of telling me to stop being so damn fat all the time.
I don't know.
Airfares, removalist and packing - OH MY!
Going to book my tickets soon, hopefully. If Mojo is still okay to spot me the money. Mum is going to help me cull my stuff, so that basically everything that's left will be either A) Taken with me or B) Sold at the Garage Sale.
Selling some books and things on Ebay, hopefully I can make some money from that.
Can't wait to get to Darwin to be with Mojo, I've been dreaming about him and every feeling was so real. *sigh*
Booking my driving test on Monday. YAY!
Selling some books and things on Ebay, hopefully I can make some money from that.
Can't wait to get to Darwin to be with Mojo, I've been dreaming about him and every feeling was so real. *sigh*
Booking my driving test on Monday. YAY!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The ice is thin
It's 7 degrees here this morning. My hands are so numb that I can't really feel the keys under my fingers. What was the reason I'm waiting till the 17th to move?? It's only going to get colder and colder only means more miserable and miserable only means more insecure and emo.
I'm drinking way too much coffee and eating way too much toast because it's the only way I can get remotely warm. The fire is costing me heaps and it doesn't work as well as I would like. Even with it roaring I'm still freezing, a lot of my internal doors don't shut properly so I can't contain the heat.
blah blah I know I'm whinging. I just hate it. I just want to be warm.
:'(
I'm drinking way too much coffee and eating way too much toast because it's the only way I can get remotely warm. The fire is costing me heaps and it doesn't work as well as I would like. Even with it roaring I'm still freezing, a lot of my internal doors don't shut properly so I can't contain the heat.
blah blah I know I'm whinging. I just hate it. I just want to be warm.
:'(
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
June 17th
I've booked my removalist. He'll be here on the 14th June to collect my things.
Which means I need to have my garage sale either the weekend of the 5th or the 12th.
Also checked out countrycars.com.au and according to them I could get about $3000 which would be so amazingly awesome. Hell if I can get TWO GRAND that would cover the cost of my move entirely.
I can put my car on Countrycars.com.au for $40. If I put it on there for $2000 and actually get it, god it would just be a dream come true!
I love you, angel, I cannot wait to be there with you in the sweltering heat LOL
xoxo
Which means I need to have my garage sale either the weekend of the 5th or the 12th.
Also checked out countrycars.com.au and according to them I could get about $3000 which would be so amazingly awesome. Hell if I can get TWO GRAND that would cover the cost of my move entirely.
I can put my car on Countrycars.com.au for $40. If I put it on there for $2000 and actually get it, god it would just be a dream come true!
I love you, angel, I cannot wait to be there with you in the sweltering heat LOL
xoxo
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A Flawed Ruby
My car needs fixing. There is something wrong with the bushes and the shocks. Got the quote to fix them today... $1680. I probably wouldn't get much more than that if I sold it. So that's probably what Im going to do, if I can sell it for $1000 then that's half of what I need to move. That way I only need to make another $1000 or so from the Garage Sale to do that.
Here's what I'm hoping to get from the Garage Sale:
3 seat Lounge & 2 Arm Chairs - $100 (May sell on ebay)
Lowline TV Unit - $30
Bookshelf - $30
5 piece Dining - $30
9 drawer dresser with mirror - $30
Childs wardrobe with draws - $20
lowboy 3x drawer - $10
2x Bedside Table = $10
Childs desk with 2xChairs = $10
Washing Machine - $20
Dryer - $50
Swing Set - $50
Glass Coffee Table - $20
Wooden Coffee Table - $10
Buffet & Hutch - $200 (may sell on ebay)
Convection Microwave - $15
2x double door wardrobes with key - $5 each
Books = $50
Kitchen Appliances = $10
Bric-a-brac = $50
TOTAL = $775
Okay, so not quite $1000 but close.
The books/appliances/bric-a-brac is a rough estimate. I have no idea how much that stuff will go for.
The problem with Garage Sales is that people want to pay $2 for everything. I want my furniture to actually fetch me some good money, I'm not selling it to get rid of it exactly. I'm selling it for the money.
*fingers crossed*
Here's what I'm hoping to get from the Garage Sale:
3 seat Lounge & 2 Arm Chairs - $100 (May sell on ebay)
Lowline TV Unit - $30
Bookshelf - $30
5 piece Dining - $30
9 drawer dresser with mirror - $30
Childs wardrobe with draws - $20
lowboy 3x drawer - $10
2x Bedside Table = $10
Childs desk with 2xChairs = $10
Washing Machine - $20
Dryer - $50
Swing Set - $50
Glass Coffee Table - $20
Wooden Coffee Table - $10
Buffet & Hutch - $200 (may sell on ebay)
Convection Microwave - $15
2x double door wardrobes with key - $5 each
Books = $50
Kitchen Appliances = $10
Bric-a-brac = $50
TOTAL = $775
Okay, so not quite $1000 but close.
The books/appliances/bric-a-brac is a rough estimate. I have no idea how much that stuff will go for.
The problem with Garage Sales is that people want to pay $2 for everything. I want my furniture to actually fetch me some good money, I'm not selling it to get rid of it exactly. I'm selling it for the money.
*fingers crossed*
We are just misguided ghosts
Mother knows I'm going to Darwin, and in fact the whole reveal went so smoothly it was almost a non-event and left me wondering if she actually heard me. The little Fish and Lioness stayed at Mother's house last night and apparently Lioness told her that we were "moving to Darwin to be with daddy". Mother asked Fish, who confirmed that we were going to Darwin. Part of me is annoyed that she would ask, like she was searching for information that she knew they would be to innocent to deny.
So Mother says to me today, are you planning on going to Darwin? To which I replied "Yes, I'm thinking about it". Mother just said "oh, tempest" and that was it. It was actually a very lovely day otherwise.
I think Mother still thinks I'll be here till the end of my lease, because she still talks about me getting more wood to survive the winter. Wishful thinking, perhaps. Anyway my plan of action is to contact my real estate, inform them that Fish's skin has suffered since being here and I have been tentatively diagnosed with S.A.D with the options of either Drugs or moving to a warmer climate to manage it. The more notice I give them, the easier the break will be. The more time they have to find another tenant. I will tell them that my plan is to move mid-June. That gives them approximately 6 weeks notice. That should be plenty, if they do their job.
I'm going to order some flyers for the Garage Sale, organise to sell my car and confirm my quote to move. I'll have to send Mojo to do a very small bit of house hunting, just look through a couple of places 2 weeks or so before I get there, so we can shortlist a few. Hopefully I'll have enough money for bond, otherwise we might have to apply for a bond loan through the dept housing.
Anyway, the point is, it's all happening!
YAY!
I love you, Angel!
xoxo
So Mother says to me today, are you planning on going to Darwin? To which I replied "Yes, I'm thinking about it". Mother just said "oh, tempest" and that was it. It was actually a very lovely day otherwise.
I think Mother still thinks I'll be here till the end of my lease, because she still talks about me getting more wood to survive the winter. Wishful thinking, perhaps. Anyway my plan of action is to contact my real estate, inform them that Fish's skin has suffered since being here and I have been tentatively diagnosed with S.A.D with the options of either Drugs or moving to a warmer climate to manage it. The more notice I give them, the easier the break will be. The more time they have to find another tenant. I will tell them that my plan is to move mid-June. That gives them approximately 6 weeks notice. That should be plenty, if they do their job.
I'm going to order some flyers for the Garage Sale, organise to sell my car and confirm my quote to move. I'll have to send Mojo to do a very small bit of house hunting, just look through a couple of places 2 weeks or so before I get there, so we can shortlist a few. Hopefully I'll have enough money for bond, otherwise we might have to apply for a bond loan through the dept housing.
Anyway, the point is, it's all happening!
YAY!
I love you, Angel!
xoxo
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wont somebody think of the children.
SOMEONE needs to think of my children, because apparently I am not. At least that's what Mother says. I can't possibly be thinking of what's best for them if I'm thinking about going back to Hervey Bay/Mojo.
I tried to explain to her that I AM thinking of the children and *I* think that being with their father who loves them is the best thing. I think that me being happy and doing what makes me happy is the best thing for my children.
Basically because I think that NOT staying in Bathurst is the best thing that = not thinking of the children. The guilt came thick and strong, and I think a small part of it believes it almost... what if this time isn't different, what if love just isn't enough, what if I really hate it there, what if I can't handle the heat?
I'm terrified of failing, but I love Mojo too much to not try. I want to make sure I have absolutely 100% completely exhausted all options. I love him :(
Mother pointed out that this house will be very hard to rent, so "good luck breaking the lease". God I feel so defeated. I just want to be with the man I love, I feel like it's becoming so difficult. I'm tired and weary and cold.
I tried to explain to her that I AM thinking of the children and *I* think that being with their father who loves them is the best thing. I think that me being happy and doing what makes me happy is the best thing for my children.
Basically because I think that NOT staying in Bathurst is the best thing that = not thinking of the children. The guilt came thick and strong, and I think a small part of it believes it almost... what if this time isn't different, what if love just isn't enough, what if I really hate it there, what if I can't handle the heat?
I'm terrified of failing, but I love Mojo too much to not try. I want to make sure I have absolutely 100% completely exhausted all options. I love him :(
Mother pointed out that this house will be very hard to rent, so "good luck breaking the lease". God I feel so defeated. I just want to be with the man I love, I feel like it's becoming so difficult. I'm tired and weary and cold.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
ebb and flow
I don't know why, but I feel really defeated today. I'm tired and weary and I don't know what to do. I guess I'm feeling unattractive and a bit insecure. I'm frustrated and struggling between being practical and following my dreams.
There is a part of me that just wants to sell everything and go, but that practical part of me tells me that can't happen. That I need to have 'things' like the fridge and the beds and the sofa, otherwise I'll be letting my children down.
We could just get a fully furnished house, there are plenty of those up in Darwin. It's always the same around this time in the afternoon. The cool is setting in, kids are home, Mojo is off somewhere doing his thing and I'm feeling hopeless.
I'm really, really nervous that the $950 quote I was given to move some of my things to NT is wrong. All the others have been $1500 and above (for the fridge, sofa, 3xbeds and mattresses, the TV and 10 boxes) and it IS Mercury Retrograde after all; notorious for things hidden in the small print, and communicative disasters.
I know I should just be cool, everything will happen in it's time - when it's supposed to. It's hard when you miss someone, it's even harder when you miss them because of your own doing. I needed to be here, to see M, to get my license and a few other things but still... *emo*
till next time
~TS
There is a part of me that just wants to sell everything and go, but that practical part of me tells me that can't happen. That I need to have 'things' like the fridge and the beds and the sofa, otherwise I'll be letting my children down.
We could just get a fully furnished house, there are plenty of those up in Darwin. It's always the same around this time in the afternoon. The cool is setting in, kids are home, Mojo is off somewhere doing his thing and I'm feeling hopeless.
I'm really, really nervous that the $950 quote I was given to move some of my things to NT is wrong. All the others have been $1500 and above (for the fridge, sofa, 3xbeds and mattresses, the TV and 10 boxes) and it IS Mercury Retrograde after all; notorious for things hidden in the small print, and communicative disasters.
I know I should just be cool, everything will happen in it's time - when it's supposed to. It's hard when you miss someone, it's even harder when you miss them because of your own doing. I needed to be here, to see M, to get my license and a few other things but still... *emo*
till next time
~TS
The transformation continues
Had psychology today.
Was a good session.
After wards I sat down with my Nanna and talked about it. She asked me point blank was I "unconditionally in love" with Mojo? I replied that yes I was. She couldn't understand and asked me what it was about him that I loved so much even after everything he had put me through. I told her I would like to ask him the same thing. I went on to elaborate that Mojo was not the criminal in our union, I was EQUALLY (if not slightly more) responsible for the demise of our love life. I disclosed a few things that I had spoken to M about; my issues with motivation, my hypocritical tendencies (times I'd told him we needed to do things to help our relationship and then refused to do those very things when he suggest them), the fact that I put him through as much crap as he had put me through.
I also tried to explain to her that there were parts of Mojo that fit so beautifully in my heart, I couldn't ignore them. I know she didn't really understand that but she tried and I appreciate that.
So now she knows that there is a very real possibility that I will return to Mojo, I didn't lie about it. She was sad, and said it broke her heart when I left but that she thought she understood.
Seems I'm transforming my family one member at a time. It's a good feeling. I feel calm now, like I don't NEED to run away. That I can leave in my own time when I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready now. I would love to be with Mojo NOW, but I know I have a bit more to do here. Some more cleansing before I go back.
I know when the timing is right the Goddess will take me to Mojo.
Was a good session.
After wards I sat down with my Nanna and talked about it. She asked me point blank was I "unconditionally in love" with Mojo? I replied that yes I was. She couldn't understand and asked me what it was about him that I loved so much even after everything he had put me through. I told her I would like to ask him the same thing. I went on to elaborate that Mojo was not the criminal in our union, I was EQUALLY (if not slightly more) responsible for the demise of our love life. I disclosed a few things that I had spoken to M about; my issues with motivation, my hypocritical tendencies (times I'd told him we needed to do things to help our relationship and then refused to do those very things when he suggest them), the fact that I put him through as much crap as he had put me through.
I also tried to explain to her that there were parts of Mojo that fit so beautifully in my heart, I couldn't ignore them. I know she didn't really understand that but she tried and I appreciate that.
So now she knows that there is a very real possibility that I will return to Mojo, I didn't lie about it. She was sad, and said it broke her heart when I left but that she thought she understood.
Seems I'm transforming my family one member at a time. It's a good feeling. I feel calm now, like I don't NEED to run away. That I can leave in my own time when I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready now. I would love to be with Mojo NOW, but I know I have a bit more to do here. Some more cleansing before I go back.
I know when the timing is right the Goddess will take me to Mojo.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
UFOs, Love and Darwin
Mojo wrote a blog today, and sent it to me to read.
I was so deeply touched. I won't go into what was said, but I will say it was the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Mojo and I have been doing our thing for 10 years, and while I always knew he loved me I really had no idea to what degree. For a long time I had thought I was a convenience, a habit, an addiction. I thought maybe I would just do... that it was just a bit better being with me than being single. I don't have those doubts now.
I have a renewed dedication to get to Darwin. I am a little overwhelmed at the things Mojo said about me in his blog, how he felt, the way he saw me. I'm humbled and so very much in love with him.
As if that wasn't awesome enough, Mojo told me that the UFOs are re-appearing in Darwin. For those of you who don't know I'm a complete UFO geek. I love them, I love aliens, close encounters, the whole thing! Mojo told me that UFO sightings where in the news papers a LOT, so I did some googling and found some sighting reports from THREE DAYS AGO!! W00T!!! So exciting.
This was the sign I was asking for only hours earlier. I was feeling nervous and unsure. I had only spoken to Mojo for 20minutes before and was feeling deflated. I was terrified that moving to Darwin was going to be the wrong choice. I know now that it's not. It is absolutely the right thing for me to do. I know it with everything I am.
Now I really want to start planning; contacting some removal companies, revising my budget as best I can, and breaking the news to my family.
In Mojo's blog he likens me to a Vessel, one that gets filled up and needs time to empty the crap that people have offloaded to me. I had never really looked at myself like that, but it makes so much sense. I was really touched to know Mojo saw that in me.
*sighs* What I wouldn't give, right now, to hug him.
I love you.
I was so deeply touched. I won't go into what was said, but I will say it was the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Mojo and I have been doing our thing for 10 years, and while I always knew he loved me I really had no idea to what degree. For a long time I had thought I was a convenience, a habit, an addiction. I thought maybe I would just do... that it was just a bit better being with me than being single. I don't have those doubts now.
I have a renewed dedication to get to Darwin. I am a little overwhelmed at the things Mojo said about me in his blog, how he felt, the way he saw me. I'm humbled and so very much in love with him.
As if that wasn't awesome enough, Mojo told me that the UFOs are re-appearing in Darwin. For those of you who don't know I'm a complete UFO geek. I love them, I love aliens, close encounters, the whole thing! Mojo told me that UFO sightings where in the news papers a LOT, so I did some googling and found some sighting reports from THREE DAYS AGO!! W00T!!! So exciting.
This was the sign I was asking for only hours earlier. I was feeling nervous and unsure. I had only spoken to Mojo for 20minutes before and was feeling deflated. I was terrified that moving to Darwin was going to be the wrong choice. I know now that it's not. It is absolutely the right thing for me to do. I know it with everything I am.
Now I really want to start planning; contacting some removal companies, revising my budget as best I can, and breaking the news to my family.
In Mojo's blog he likens me to a Vessel, one that gets filled up and needs time to empty the crap that people have offloaded to me. I had never really looked at myself like that, but it makes so much sense. I was really touched to know Mojo saw that in me.
*sighs* What I wouldn't give, right now, to hug him.
I love you.
Monday, April 26, 2010
11 Degrees
It's almost midday and it's 11 degrees. ELEVEN FUCKING DEGREES. I shouldn't complain, I was the one who said she liked the cold. I was the one who had romanticised it. Foolishly, of course, I had remembered my first winter in Bx with Mojo. The freezing hands and the scarves and the hot steaming coffee and the snuggling up on the couch to play xbox and the warmth of movie theaters. That's what I remembered, and that's what I somehow envisioned Bx to be like this time around... only it doesn't work when Mojo isn't here.
My fire doesn't work well, it's not efficient. I'm going through wood like no tomorrow. Not only can I not afford to go through wood this fast, it's a real pain in the ass to have to restart my fire every couple of hours. I actually have to leave the door slightly open to keep it burning!
I just want to be warm. I just want to be in Darwin with Mojo and the sunshine. I really miss being warm. I used to prefer being cold, but now I just can't stand it. I just want to curl up and sleep... hibernate. Worst of it is... it's not even winter yet!!!
I have to get out of here. I'm going to talk to M (psychologist) tomorrow, seriously about leaving. I just cannot stand it here. :(
My fire doesn't work well, it's not efficient. I'm going through wood like no tomorrow. Not only can I not afford to go through wood this fast, it's a real pain in the ass to have to restart my fire every couple of hours. I actually have to leave the door slightly open to keep it burning!
I just want to be warm. I just want to be in Darwin with Mojo and the sunshine. I really miss being warm. I used to prefer being cold, but now I just can't stand it. I just want to curl up and sleep... hibernate. Worst of it is... it's not even winter yet!!!
I have to get out of here. I'm going to talk to M (psychologist) tomorrow, seriously about leaving. I just cannot stand it here. :(
Sunday, April 25, 2010
IronFest
IronFest today. I do love that festival, and actually the cold suits it well - sort of adds to the atmosphere.
Got to see some great artists, amazingly tallented people doing wonderful things with their art. Lana DeAngelis was brilliant. I just loved her.
Being there, at IronFest, reinforced how much I missed Mojo. So many things, people, clothes, boots, hair I wanted to point out to him.... only he wasn't there to see it. Standing in the cold, by gas heaters sipping coffee listening to local singers just made me want to stand closer to him.
:(
What was most interesting about the day was the talk I had with my Father. He was more understanding of my position than I expected him to be. Obviously he doesn't want me to go back to Mojo, but I think he knows it's on the cards.
I wish I could cram all my sessions with the Psych into one week, just get it over and done with so I can go. I just want to go. Even today, when I was happy and having a good time and enjoying a break from the kids. Even then, I just wanted Mojo to be with me.
Sometimes... not very often, but sometimes... I wish I didn't love him. I think it would be better for him if I didn't. Less chaotic, less heartbreaking. I don't know.
I'm cold.
Got to see some great artists, amazingly tallented people doing wonderful things with their art. Lana DeAngelis was brilliant. I just loved her.
Being there, at IronFest, reinforced how much I missed Mojo. So many things, people, clothes, boots, hair I wanted to point out to him.... only he wasn't there to see it. Standing in the cold, by gas heaters sipping coffee listening to local singers just made me want to stand closer to him.
:(
What was most interesting about the day was the talk I had with my Father. He was more understanding of my position than I expected him to be. Obviously he doesn't want me to go back to Mojo, but I think he knows it's on the cards.
I wish I could cram all my sessions with the Psych into one week, just get it over and done with so I can go. I just want to go. Even today, when I was happy and having a good time and enjoying a break from the kids. Even then, I just wanted Mojo to be with me.
Sometimes... not very often, but sometimes... I wish I didn't love him. I think it would be better for him if I didn't. Less chaotic, less heartbreaking. I don't know.
I'm cold.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The business of being EMO!
I'm really missing Mojo, and at times it's making me feel weak and pathetic. I really want to be with him, but at this point I'm worried I won't have the strength. I'm frightened I wont handle Darwin, wont cope in the heat. He deserves happiness, and stability and I selfishly want that happiness to be with me.
I know if I can get to the bottom of my cycles, and understand and prevent them that we can be happy together.
I'm feeling so emo, I miss hearing his voice before I go to bed. I want to be able to whisper 'i love you' into his skin the way I did in the past. I want to feel those butterflies when he kisses me.
I just want to be there, with him, in his arms. I love him.
xox
I know if I can get to the bottom of my cycles, and understand and prevent them that we can be happy together.
I'm feeling so emo, I miss hearing his voice before I go to bed. I want to be able to whisper 'i love you' into his skin the way I did in the past. I want to feel those butterflies when he kisses me.
I just want to be there, with him, in his arms. I love him.
xox
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Aftermath
Thankfully things turned out to be not as devestating as I first predicted. Mother didn't go home and rant to the rest of The Family. This is good for several reasons, 1. It means I get to enjoy dinner out tonight and IronFest tomorrow, 2. It means I get more time with M (psych) to formulate my plan and 3. It gives me more time to save/cull/sell/pack my things and my money so that I don't have to rush away.
There is a small part of me that would have liked to use the meltdown as an excuse to leave early; but I made a plan to leave at the end of May/beginning of June and I really need to stick to that plan.
Strangely enough; going to Zumba today helped me release a lot of the anger and frustration I managed to build up from last night.
I'm really nervous about moving to Darwin, I miss Mojo like crazy but there is still a little part of me that worries it's not the right place for me. It's hot, hotter than Hervey Bay and I complained enough living in the Bay about the heat.
Anyway, I'm kinda exhausted and would love to have a nap right now lol
~TS
There is a small part of me that would have liked to use the meltdown as an excuse to leave early; but I made a plan to leave at the end of May/beginning of June and I really need to stick to that plan.
Strangely enough; going to Zumba today helped me release a lot of the anger and frustration I managed to build up from last night.
I'm really nervous about moving to Darwin, I miss Mojo like crazy but there is still a little part of me that worries it's not the right place for me. It's hot, hotter than Hervey Bay and I complained enough living in the Bay about the heat.
Anyway, I'm kinda exhausted and would love to have a nap right now lol
~TS
Clarification in the form of Tarot
1. The Now: Green Dragon Page. (fell from deck) reversed?
Your point of view is not appreciated. Think before you speak. Although you feel unappreciated do not rebel, keep focused and look beyond how you might feel at this time. As always it will blow over.
2. The Influential Vibrations: Green Dragon Ten(10)
A true sense of security is beginning to happen. It will come together. In working towards a successful completion, the key word now is organisation.
*Proximity: White Tiger 3: Money, property causing concern. Feelings are hurt and there is anger in the air. If not resolved a relationship could be severed,
3. The Reason: White Tiger Three(3)
Dispute and disagreement can escalate the emotional circumstances. Try to understand. Get a grip and avoid upheaval. The sudden change impacts all concerned. No amount of blame can alter anyone's feelings. Use and release.
4: The Last Ten Days: White Tiger Six(6) reversed
Forging ahead can only make things worse. Don't give in to your negetive thoughts. A positive cycle change is imminent and beneficial. A slight setback regarding plans will eventuatually prove to be more advantageous. Take this time to evaluate your intentions.
5. Possible Consequences: Materialism
The sooner you put a halt to your present situation the better it will be. You have created an almost impossible position for yourself. Mend bridges & conserve what you can. Recognise something has to change. Be open and say it as it is.
6. The Next Ten Days: Red Phoenix Three(3)
Celebration time is on the way. Enjoy the feeling and use it well.Good things are happening. Something is in the latter stages of development that will be pleasing and most satisfactory.
7. The Apprehension I Feel: Transition
You are beginning to see a new you. It has not been easy to reach this point. Refuse to look back, the path you have walked and the experiences you have had are in the past. Complete change is entering your present circumstances. Transition cleanses, leaving you free to dream a new dream. Be open to a new strength.
8. The Feelings of Others: Green Dragon Nine (9)
Perhaps your sense of security prevents you from exploring beyond your comfort zone? Wanting something more from life, but unable to pinpoint what. Truth maybe that you like it this way. Perhaps you need a zap of colour to your life.
9. The Positive Aspect: Justice
You will receive what you have earned. Positive vibrations will create a new vista of opportunities. Positive vibratory flow is now beginning. It is important that you do not look back. Old patterns do not fit in the scheme of things. Justice will compensate, time to have patience.
10. The Expected Results in Thirty Days: The Emperor
With discipline you can acheive your goal. Precise planning is called for. Everything has its own time to mature. That being so, avoid breaking your own rules. You created a plan, you set the time element, and now you are ready to make it happen. If the situation becomes problematic and chaos sets in, adjustments may need to be made.
Your point of view is not appreciated. Think before you speak. Although you feel unappreciated do not rebel, keep focused and look beyond how you might feel at this time. As always it will blow over.
2. The Influential Vibrations: Green Dragon Ten(10)
A true sense of security is beginning to happen. It will come together. In working towards a successful completion, the key word now is organisation.
*Proximity: White Tiger 3: Money, property causing concern. Feelings are hurt and there is anger in the air. If not resolved a relationship could be severed,
3. The Reason: White Tiger Three(3)
Dispute and disagreement can escalate the emotional circumstances. Try to understand. Get a grip and avoid upheaval. The sudden change impacts all concerned. No amount of blame can alter anyone's feelings. Use and release.
4: The Last Ten Days: White Tiger Six(6) reversed
Forging ahead can only make things worse. Don't give in to your negetive thoughts. A positive cycle change is imminent and beneficial. A slight setback regarding plans will eventuatually prove to be more advantageous. Take this time to evaluate your intentions.
5. Possible Consequences: Materialism
The sooner you put a halt to your present situation the better it will be. You have created an almost impossible position for yourself. Mend bridges & conserve what you can. Recognise something has to change. Be open and say it as it is.
6. The Next Ten Days: Red Phoenix Three(3)
Celebration time is on the way. Enjoy the feeling and use it well.Good things are happening. Something is in the latter stages of development that will be pleasing and most satisfactory.
7. The Apprehension I Feel: Transition
You are beginning to see a new you. It has not been easy to reach this point. Refuse to look back, the path you have walked and the experiences you have had are in the past. Complete change is entering your present circumstances. Transition cleanses, leaving you free to dream a new dream. Be open to a new strength.
8. The Feelings of Others: Green Dragon Nine (9)
Perhaps your sense of security prevents you from exploring beyond your comfort zone? Wanting something more from life, but unable to pinpoint what. Truth maybe that you like it this way. Perhaps you need a zap of colour to your life.
9. The Positive Aspect: Justice
You will receive what you have earned. Positive vibrations will create a new vista of opportunities. Positive vibratory flow is now beginning. It is important that you do not look back. Old patterns do not fit in the scheme of things. Justice will compensate, time to have patience.
10. The Expected Results in Thirty Days: The Emperor
With discipline you can acheive your goal. Precise planning is called for. Everything has its own time to mature. That being so, avoid breaking your own rules. You created a plan, you set the time element, and now you are ready to make it happen. If the situation becomes problematic and chaos sets in, adjustments may need to be made.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Up the creek...
Well.... it's out.... sort of.
Mother knows I'm thinking of going, she assumed back with Mojo. I lied - because I just don't want to deal with that right now - and said Hervey Bay. Mother assumed Jamie would go back to Hervey Bay if I was there. I told her Mojo has no intention of moving out of Darwin.
Everything happens for a reason right?
I actually feel bad for her. I know she's heartbroken and angry and feels betrayed and I feel bad for that. I know she will miss the kids.
I'm just waiting for the abusive phone calls now. I was supposed to go to Iron Fest on Sunday with Father, I can see that NOT happening now. No doubt Mother will be straight on the phone to him. No doubt he will ring to tear strips off me.
I was sort of hoping that I could have avoided this for a few weeks. At LEAST until the middle of May! WTF is going on now. This may bring my move forward if I have to live here with them and the bullshit that's going to ensue.
damnit!
Mother knows I'm thinking of going, she assumed back with Mojo. I lied - because I just don't want to deal with that right now - and said Hervey Bay. Mother assumed Jamie would go back to Hervey Bay if I was there. I told her Mojo has no intention of moving out of Darwin.
Everything happens for a reason right?
I actually feel bad for her. I know she's heartbroken and angry and feels betrayed and I feel bad for that. I know she will miss the kids.
I'm just waiting for the abusive phone calls now. I was supposed to go to Iron Fest on Sunday with Father, I can see that NOT happening now. No doubt Mother will be straight on the phone to him. No doubt he will ring to tear strips off me.
I was sort of hoping that I could have avoided this for a few weeks. At LEAST until the middle of May! WTF is going on now. This may bring my move forward if I have to live here with them and the bullshit that's going to ensue.
damnit!
Greener Pastures
So The decision has been made. I'm moving as soon as I can post May 11th. I made the decision on my own; without consulting anyone, or asking for permission. As it should be, me being an adult and a parent and my own person.
Screw everyone else. Fuck them all with their guilt tripping and manipulation tactics. Moving away from Bathurst will NOT screw up my children, it will not result in a shit education and stupid kids. It will not make them resent and loathe me growing up. I didn't move around as a kid, and I resent and loathe my family anyway.
Think I might start slowing selling bits and pieces... books mainly. I'm waiting to get some quotes from removalists for a few items and if the quote is reasonable I'll take some of my books.
I can't wait to be with him, back in his arms; exactly where I belong. I had things to learn, and I am learning them hard and fast. I know it will make me a better person, a better lover/wife/mother for my family. My clan.
I don't even care if I'm addicted. It feels right and it feels good. I love him.
~TS
Screw everyone else. Fuck them all with their guilt tripping and manipulation tactics. Moving away from Bathurst will NOT screw up my children, it will not result in a shit education and stupid kids. It will not make them resent and loathe me growing up. I didn't move around as a kid, and I resent and loathe my family anyway.
Think I might start slowing selling bits and pieces... books mainly. I'm waiting to get some quotes from removalists for a few items and if the quote is reasonable I'll take some of my books.
I can't wait to be with him, back in his arms; exactly where I belong. I had things to learn, and I am learning them hard and fast. I know it will make me a better person, a better lover/wife/mother for my family. My clan.
I don't even care if I'm addicted. It feels right and it feels good. I love him.
~TS
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Crazy like a fox!
I don't want to wait until someone else tells me it's okay to move to Darwin. Why can't I tell myself it's okay? Why is my own permission not enough?
I am craving Mojo's touch and it's driving my crazy. I can remember how warm his skin is, how he smells, the way he feels. Yes, I am sending myself crazy with frustration.
It's Mercury Retrograde at the moment (through Taurus, for those of you who care) and regardless of how extruciating it is to wait, I will not under any circumstances knowingly move in a Merc Rx. It's just contractual suicide and I'm bad enough with being "tied down" as it is. So I will do my best to wait till AT LEAST 11th May before I move.
I will try, my hardest, to be patient. I owe it to Mojo to be me best when I get back to him. I hope he can wait for me.
xo
~TS
I am craving Mojo's touch and it's driving my crazy. I can remember how warm his skin is, how he smells, the way he feels. Yes, I am sending myself crazy with frustration.
It's Mercury Retrograde at the moment (through Taurus, for those of you who care) and regardless of how extruciating it is to wait, I will not under any circumstances knowingly move in a Merc Rx. It's just contractual suicide and I'm bad enough with being "tied down" as it is. So I will do my best to wait till AT LEAST 11th May before I move.
I will try, my hardest, to be patient. I owe it to Mojo to be me best when I get back to him. I hope he can wait for me.
xo
~TS
An uphill battle
I'm struggling. Really, really struggling and it's scaring me. I haven't felt this desperate and anxious in so long. I just don't know what to do with it. I cannot sleep, I can't eat properly, I feel nauseas and horrible.
My heart is telling me to just go. Run. Sell everything you own, throw it out, burn it, whatever GET RID OF IT and fly. My mind is telling me to just wait... but I don't know what I'm waiting for... permission? I'm never going to get that. Assurance that Mojo really wants me there, and that I'm not something to amuse him while he's bored? How can I really know if he's telling me the truth... I want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to fuck it up again.
I just want to love Mojo, and live quietly in our own way with our family and be happy. I'm scared the psychologist is going to make me wait for ever before I can go. I know she can't really MAKE me wait... no one can make me wait.
God I hate being such a fucking coward.
I'm sorry, Mojo.
My heart is telling me to just go. Run. Sell everything you own, throw it out, burn it, whatever GET RID OF IT and fly. My mind is telling me to just wait... but I don't know what I'm waiting for... permission? I'm never going to get that. Assurance that Mojo really wants me there, and that I'm not something to amuse him while he's bored? How can I really know if he's telling me the truth... I want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to fuck it up again.
I just want to love Mojo, and live quietly in our own way with our family and be happy. I'm scared the psychologist is going to make me wait for ever before I can go. I know she can't really MAKE me wait... no one can make me wait.
God I hate being such a fucking coward.
I'm sorry, Mojo.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Into the Lions Den
I saw the shrink today. It went nothing like I expected.
So I don't have to keep called her "She", I will call her M.
I gave her The Rundown. My history, my childhood experiences, my life with Mojo. M said I have good reason to be angry. She said I have good reason to feel like I'm not in control.
M wants to refer me to a Depression Clinic at The Black Dog. Because I'm from 'out of town' it would be a condensed 1 day clinic. She also wants to refer me to a Psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed with S.A.D, which is biological and something I can be treated for.
M stressed that I should not move now. She said we need to get to the bottom of my S.A.D (if that's what it is) and the crap with my family etc. She said if we don't and I run off the be with Mojo without dealing with this stuff I won't be equipped to do the relationship justice. She said she wants to see me weekly for as long as I'm here. I said I didn't even want to be here and she said that we would deal with that a bit more next week.
I'm just kinda sad now and I wanna cry. I haven't cried in so long. I just wish if I squeezed my eyes closed and wished myself away that I would wake up and be back in Hervey Bay or in Darwin with Mojo. I'm kind of frightened, because I don't know what's happening. I'm getting mixed signs and I don't know what to do.
I want to go home. I'm cold.
~TS
So I don't have to keep called her "She", I will call her M.
I gave her The Rundown. My history, my childhood experiences, my life with Mojo. M said I have good reason to be angry. She said I have good reason to feel like I'm not in control.
M wants to refer me to a Depression Clinic at The Black Dog. Because I'm from 'out of town' it would be a condensed 1 day clinic. She also wants to refer me to a Psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed with S.A.D, which is biological and something I can be treated for.
M stressed that I should not move now. She said we need to get to the bottom of my S.A.D (if that's what it is) and the crap with my family etc. She said if we don't and I run off the be with Mojo without dealing with this stuff I won't be equipped to do the relationship justice. She said she wants to see me weekly for as long as I'm here. I said I didn't even want to be here and she said that we would deal with that a bit more next week.
I'm just kinda sad now and I wanna cry. I haven't cried in so long. I just wish if I squeezed my eyes closed and wished myself away that I would wake up and be back in Hervey Bay or in Darwin with Mojo. I'm kind of frightened, because I don't know what's happening. I'm getting mixed signs and I don't know what to do.
I want to go home. I'm cold.
~TS
why yes, those are teeth marks in my tongue
I was SO close to just blowing the lid on my move to Darwin today. I'm tired of having to skirt around it. I'm tired of having to listen to my family bitch to me about all the things wrong with my pathetic (in their eyes) life.
If I wanted people to dictate ever aspect of my life I'd move to a prison. I'm finding myself being snide and even rude towards my family. It's so unlike me, but it actually feels good. My family are not liking it. They are not used to me talking back - ever.
Yesterday, if you had asked me when I was moving to Darwin I would have told you probably another 6 to 8 weeks. If you asked me now, I will tell you as soon as it's physically practical. I've been trying to do the right thing and hold out until I speak to the shrink and get an objective view point. I've already made up the Flyer I'll place around to advertise the Garage Sale. I've also written up a bit of a list for my big ticket items and how much they will cost. I think I will sell the TV and the Buffet on eBay because I will get more for them. People come to Garage Sales expecting to pay $5 and under for everything. They will need to understand I need the MONEY more than I need to get rid of some crap; so no I will not sell my frost free fridge/freezer for $10, nor will I sell my brand new 32" LCD TV for $50. I paid $749 for that TV, I will sell it (with 7 years warranty) for $650. I think that's reasonable. I'll even throw the DVD player in with it.
If I can sell all of my furniture items I'll walk away with about $1500. Sounds pathetic for the amount of stuff I'll be selling, but I have to keep in mind people will be expecting Garage Sale prices. I'll be selling all my books and crockery and cutlery too. *sighs*
I don't know what I'll do if my family suddenly decide to 'take back' all the things they've given me. I need to have at LEAST $600 to cover the travel costs. Granted I'll be selling my car, but I'll be lucky if I get $1500 for that.
I need to give mum $749 for the TV, and I really want to give Dad some money back too. To compensate for the money he spent getting me. I wish I could just walk away and give them nothing, but that is awful and the guilt would kill me.
I just... don't want to be anywhere near them. I feel awful for thinking it, but I'd love to just cut them out of my life. For the most part, they aren't very nice people and I so feel like the black sheep of the family.
When I look at this from a practical, analytic view point I have no idea how I will possibly achieve this move. I was shuffling my Path of Soul destiny cards and the Rebirth Card fell out. I read the corresponding description and it says to me "Take time away in solitude. Things will change during this powerful process. It's OK. Everything is exactly how it should be". And it reminded me to just let go, and trust, and know that I will get to Darwin, no matter how it looks at this exact moment.
~TS
If I wanted people to dictate ever aspect of my life I'd move to a prison. I'm finding myself being snide and even rude towards my family. It's so unlike me, but it actually feels good. My family are not liking it. They are not used to me talking back - ever.
Yesterday, if you had asked me when I was moving to Darwin I would have told you probably another 6 to 8 weeks. If you asked me now, I will tell you as soon as it's physically practical. I've been trying to do the right thing and hold out until I speak to the shrink and get an objective view point. I've already made up the Flyer I'll place around to advertise the Garage Sale. I've also written up a bit of a list for my big ticket items and how much they will cost. I think I will sell the TV and the Buffet on eBay because I will get more for them. People come to Garage Sales expecting to pay $5 and under for everything. They will need to understand I need the MONEY more than I need to get rid of some crap; so no I will not sell my frost free fridge/freezer for $10, nor will I sell my brand new 32" LCD TV for $50. I paid $749 for that TV, I will sell it (with 7 years warranty) for $650. I think that's reasonable. I'll even throw the DVD player in with it.
If I can sell all of my furniture items I'll walk away with about $1500. Sounds pathetic for the amount of stuff I'll be selling, but I have to keep in mind people will be expecting Garage Sale prices. I'll be selling all my books and crockery and cutlery too. *sighs*
I don't know what I'll do if my family suddenly decide to 'take back' all the things they've given me. I need to have at LEAST $600 to cover the travel costs. Granted I'll be selling my car, but I'll be lucky if I get $1500 for that.
I need to give mum $749 for the TV, and I really want to give Dad some money back too. To compensate for the money he spent getting me. I wish I could just walk away and give them nothing, but that is awful and the guilt would kill me.
I just... don't want to be anywhere near them. I feel awful for thinking it, but I'd love to just cut them out of my life. For the most part, they aren't very nice people and I so feel like the black sheep of the family.
When I look at this from a practical, analytic view point I have no idea how I will possibly achieve this move. I was shuffling my Path of Soul destiny cards and the Rebirth Card fell out. I read the corresponding description and it says to me "Take time away in solitude. Things will change during this powerful process. It's OK. Everything is exactly how it should be". And it reminded me to just let go, and trust, and know that I will get to Darwin, no matter how it looks at this exact moment.
~TS
Monday, April 19, 2010
I think you should.
Most of my life I've been living according to what I think other people think I should be doing. It's painful and wastes time.
One of the myriad of intentions I'm putting out there is to stop living life for everyone else. I am not a pawn, I am not a puppet. I am okay to be me and I am okay to live life the way I want to live it. If that means I want to wake up tomorrow sell my shit and hop on the first flight to Darwin then god-damnit so be it!
I was brought up to believe I wasn't good enough on my own. I needed constant guidance and interferring because I couldn't possibly survive if I made my own decisions. All the ones I made on my own where WRONG so I must always run them past a "real adult" first. Preferably my Mother because she is the Queen of the Control Freaks.
No one has ever said to me "Tempest, it's okay to want what you want, and it's okay to change your mind and it's okay to follow your heart". All they have EVER said to me is "I think you should x,y,z."
I don't want to do that anymore. I want to take a stand. I want to get up and say - to everyone - "Thanks for your help, but I'm fine from here on in. I will make the decisions, I will take the fall if it doesn't work. I will deal with the responsibilities and the consequences on my own. Kthnxbye." I would especially like to say the Kthnxbye bit.
And you know what, when it comes down to it, who benefits from me doing what everyone else wants? One of the biggest manipulation tactics my family use are my kids. Trying to convince me that my kids will be better off nearer to them. Nearer to the bat-shit insanity that is my family... gods help them. So what about my children?? They want me to be happy and they want to live with their Daddy. That's motivation enough for me.
It's late now, I was waiting for Mojo, but I don't think he's coming back tonight :( I miss him when we don't speak. It makes me sad that I had him there with me all the time and I barely said a word... and now, sitting here I would give anything to just watch him.
~TS
One of the myriad of intentions I'm putting out there is to stop living life for everyone else. I am not a pawn, I am not a puppet. I am okay to be me and I am okay to live life the way I want to live it. If that means I want to wake up tomorrow sell my shit and hop on the first flight to Darwin then god-damnit so be it!
I was brought up to believe I wasn't good enough on my own. I needed constant guidance and interferring because I couldn't possibly survive if I made my own decisions. All the ones I made on my own where WRONG so I must always run them past a "real adult" first. Preferably my Mother because she is the Queen of the Control Freaks.
No one has ever said to me "Tempest, it's okay to want what you want, and it's okay to change your mind and it's okay to follow your heart". All they have EVER said to me is "I think you should x,y,z."
I don't want to do that anymore. I want to take a stand. I want to get up and say - to everyone - "Thanks for your help, but I'm fine from here on in. I will make the decisions, I will take the fall if it doesn't work. I will deal with the responsibilities and the consequences on my own. Kthnxbye." I would especially like to say the Kthnxbye bit.
And you know what, when it comes down to it, who benefits from me doing what everyone else wants? One of the biggest manipulation tactics my family use are my kids. Trying to convince me that my kids will be better off nearer to them. Nearer to the bat-shit insanity that is my family... gods help them. So what about my children?? They want me to be happy and they want to live with their Daddy. That's motivation enough for me.
It's late now, I was waiting for Mojo, but I don't think he's coming back tonight :( I miss him when we don't speak. It makes me sad that I had him there with me all the time and I barely said a word... and now, sitting here I would give anything to just watch him.
~TS
The Family Chains..... err... I mean ties.
I don't know what it is about my family, but I always feel so very drained after I've spent time with them. It's no wonder I can't get well - they are sucking the very life out of me.
Every moment spent with them makes me yearn to be in Darwin with Mojo more and more. I love my family. They are, after all, my family; but I just don't feel connected to them. If they were just people I knew I would spend as little time with them as possible; eventually dropping them out of my life.
I feel so horrible saying that when they've spent so much money on me. I want them to stop, and I've asked them to do so but I cannot explain why I don't want them buying me things. I can't tell them, just yet, that I will not be staying here for much longer. I intend to pay them back as much as I can. I will sell all my belongings, even the things I said I wouldn't. I just want to go home and if home is where the heart is then mine is in Darwin.
I wish there was an easy way to do this. The perfect, fool proof reason to leave. Until I can unravel myself from my families clutches my own personal reasons - the real reasons for leaving - will simply not be good enough. They will be shut down. I don't want to burn my bridges; which is why I don't want to take that route.
Mojo, I love you. I know we're meant to be in Darwin together. I know I'll be there soon but it's so hard for me to be patient. Tomorrow couldn't be soon enough for me to see you again.
I wish I could hug you.
/end emo transmition
~TS
Every moment spent with them makes me yearn to be in Darwin with Mojo more and more. I love my family. They are, after all, my family; but I just don't feel connected to them. If they were just people I knew I would spend as little time with them as possible; eventually dropping them out of my life.
I feel so horrible saying that when they've spent so much money on me. I want them to stop, and I've asked them to do so but I cannot explain why I don't want them buying me things. I can't tell them, just yet, that I will not be staying here for much longer. I intend to pay them back as much as I can. I will sell all my belongings, even the things I said I wouldn't. I just want to go home and if home is where the heart is then mine is in Darwin.
I wish there was an easy way to do this. The perfect, fool proof reason to leave. Until I can unravel myself from my families clutches my own personal reasons - the real reasons for leaving - will simply not be good enough. They will be shut down. I don't want to burn my bridges; which is why I don't want to take that route.
Mojo, I love you. I know we're meant to be in Darwin together. I know I'll be there soon but it's so hard for me to be patient. Tomorrow couldn't be soon enough for me to see you again.
I wish I could hug you.
/end emo transmition
~TS
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Mojo Dreaming and our philosophy on love
I spoke to Mojo last night, it's so lovely when we talk. Late at night when we're tired and rambly we tend to come up with profound realisations.
Hearing him talk when I'm tired is soothing and beautiful. His voice smooths over my soul like a warm shower on a cold day. I went to sleep and let my mind dream of him. I wont go into detail, but I will say I had an active night. :) It was good hehe. Anyway, enough re-living astral shenanigans!
We spoke a lot about our relationship. About what works and what doesn't about what we think we should try. I mentioned in my last post that I like a bit of healthy competition in our relationship. I don't need or want this all the time, but if (every now and then) there is someone on the outside of our relationship making lovey eyes at Mojo it brings out the inner Tiger in me.
I don't know if it's the thrill of the chase, or the fact that someone is 'threatening' my tribe, but whatever it is it gets my blood flowing. It adds excitement and fun and games. Mojo doesn't actually have to DO anything, and I mentioned before there's no "cheating" involved. All he needs to do is primp and preen and flirt with this other interested party and it ads such life and zest to our lovelife. The minute they get too serious the game is called off. Both Mojo and I lose interest because it gets to complicated. Mojo doesn't actually WANT anyone else, but pretending he does brings wonderous things about.
I'm really not sure how normal or common this is, from what I can gather this happens more freaquently than spoken about. As Mojo said last night "Our society is run predominantly by Christians, who believe that if you think of someone who is not your spouse it's sinful". This puts a lot of unnecessary stress on relationships; I know because Mojo and I tried to do that and failed miserably. If we allow each other to play in our own styles then we are happier and more loving with each other. And hey, whatever works - right? As long as we aren't hurting anyone else and it's keeping our realtionship alive then we'll continue to do it.
I also mentioned in that last post that I liken Mojo and I to a Director and her Leading Man. We would work with these roles in our games. This could be as simple as going to a Gentlemen's Club for a drink and me discreetly buying him a lap dance while I sit and watch. It's innocent enough, whilst still being naughty enough to be exciting, and I'm totally in control. I am directing the scene.
I think, as long as we can keep the play a foremost feature of our relationship then we'll be happy. It's taken us a lot of trial and error to get here, and it makes sense that we've discovered all this now - during Mercury Retrograde (which is what it's all about).
I love him, and I love our life together when we're happy.
Till next tim
~TS
Hearing him talk when I'm tired is soothing and beautiful. His voice smooths over my soul like a warm shower on a cold day. I went to sleep and let my mind dream of him. I wont go into detail, but I will say I had an active night. :) It was good hehe. Anyway, enough re-living astral shenanigans!
We spoke a lot about our relationship. About what works and what doesn't about what we think we should try. I mentioned in my last post that I like a bit of healthy competition in our relationship. I don't need or want this all the time, but if (every now and then) there is someone on the outside of our relationship making lovey eyes at Mojo it brings out the inner Tiger in me.
I don't know if it's the thrill of the chase, or the fact that someone is 'threatening' my tribe, but whatever it is it gets my blood flowing. It adds excitement and fun and games. Mojo doesn't actually have to DO anything, and I mentioned before there's no "cheating" involved. All he needs to do is primp and preen and flirt with this other interested party and it ads such life and zest to our lovelife. The minute they get too serious the game is called off. Both Mojo and I lose interest because it gets to complicated. Mojo doesn't actually WANT anyone else, but pretending he does brings wonderous things about.
I'm really not sure how normal or common this is, from what I can gather this happens more freaquently than spoken about. As Mojo said last night "Our society is run predominantly by Christians, who believe that if you think of someone who is not your spouse it's sinful". This puts a lot of unnecessary stress on relationships; I know because Mojo and I tried to do that and failed miserably. If we allow each other to play in our own styles then we are happier and more loving with each other. And hey, whatever works - right? As long as we aren't hurting anyone else and it's keeping our realtionship alive then we'll continue to do it.
I also mentioned in that last post that I liken Mojo and I to a Director and her Leading Man. We would work with these roles in our games. This could be as simple as going to a Gentlemen's Club for a drink and me discreetly buying him a lap dance while I sit and watch. It's innocent enough, whilst still being naughty enough to be exciting, and I'm totally in control. I am directing the scene.
I think, as long as we can keep the play a foremost feature of our relationship then we'll be happy. It's taken us a lot of trial and error to get here, and it makes sense that we've discovered all this now - during Mercury Retrograde (which is what it's all about).
I love him, and I love our life together when we're happy.
Till next tim
~TS
The evil moster: Self Doubt
Bathurst brings me down. It feeds my self doubt and my nagging insecurities. Granted Mercury is retrograde and I'm scared I'll hear things I don't want to hear - so I'm looking for those things - which is twisted.
I've come to realise I need things in my life to keep it interesting. When things become routine I become bored, stagnant and that's when I get the urge to run away. I need things to happen, I need people in my life.
When I'm loving Mojo (which is always, but that's beside the point) it helps to have a little competition every now and then to wake me up. Nothing serious, and not cheating, but just an extra interested party to keep me on my toes. That is probably really twisted but it seems to work for me, as long as it doesn't go on too long.
I'm terrified that moving to Darwin won't have the outcome I want. Ultimately, I just want to live happily with Mojo, get married maybe (at least take on his name), get a job and just be a family. That self doubt is rearing it's ugly head now, telling me that's not what he wants. Sure he wants me in Darwin with the kids... but does he want me with him in Darwin.... see how the self-doubt monster works?
When I'm still, centered and in my power I can look at things more objectively. I liken my relationship to Mojo to that of a Movie Producer and her Star Leading Man. One, happy in the spotlight, will charm and entertain. The other, behind the scenes happy to watch. Feeling secure in the knowledge she can pull the curtains when the audiance gets a little too star struck. When we are in our roles, this is what we are like, totally compatible although completely different. We compliment each other. I have no desire to be in the spotlight so I have no need to compete with Mojo for attention. I'm more the silent voyer type LOL Happy to watch silently from a distance. When Mojo isn't entertaining and/or I'm not watching things get out of whack, they get stale and boring. Mojo starts lacking the desire to be in the spotlight, and I lose the motivation to shine said spotlight on him. Our relationship fizzles and dies.
There is one thing, in all of this, that is constantly true; when we work together we work beautifully. That is what I want for our life, I want fun, I want games, friends, people, opportunities to play. I want us to be able to share that knowing glance that we get when things are working. I know that look in his eyes so well, like it has been pre-programed in my brain before birth.
Till next time
~TS
I've come to realise I need things in my life to keep it interesting. When things become routine I become bored, stagnant and that's when I get the urge to run away. I need things to happen, I need people in my life.
When I'm loving Mojo (which is always, but that's beside the point) it helps to have a little competition every now and then to wake me up. Nothing serious, and not cheating, but just an extra interested party to keep me on my toes. That is probably really twisted but it seems to work for me, as long as it doesn't go on too long.
I'm terrified that moving to Darwin won't have the outcome I want. Ultimately, I just want to live happily with Mojo, get married maybe (at least take on his name), get a job and just be a family. That self doubt is rearing it's ugly head now, telling me that's not what he wants. Sure he wants me in Darwin with the kids... but does he want me with him in Darwin.... see how the self-doubt monster works?
When I'm still, centered and in my power I can look at things more objectively. I liken my relationship to Mojo to that of a Movie Producer and her Star Leading Man. One, happy in the spotlight, will charm and entertain. The other, behind the scenes happy to watch. Feeling secure in the knowledge she can pull the curtains when the audiance gets a little too star struck. When we are in our roles, this is what we are like, totally compatible although completely different. We compliment each other. I have no desire to be in the spotlight so I have no need to compete with Mojo for attention. I'm more the silent voyer type LOL Happy to watch silently from a distance. When Mojo isn't entertaining and/or I'm not watching things get out of whack, they get stale and boring. Mojo starts lacking the desire to be in the spotlight, and I lose the motivation to shine said spotlight on him. Our relationship fizzles and dies.
There is one thing, in all of this, that is constantly true; when we work together we work beautifully. That is what I want for our life, I want fun, I want games, friends, people, opportunities to play. I want us to be able to share that knowing glance that we get when things are working. I know that look in his eyes so well, like it has been pre-programed in my brain before birth.
Till next time
~TS
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Dear Mother Pt1
Dear Mum,
I have a few things to get off my chest, I have to write them because I need to be heard without interruption.
Things are not working for me here in Bathurst, not just because it's cold and not just because I haven't given it enough time. It's not working because of my relationship with you and The Family.
You are my family, and I love you, however I find it really hard to live in close proximity to you all. It's a love I can only stand in little doses from a distance. As brutal and harsh as this is going to sound I find your involvement in my life FAR too overbearing, controlling and critical.
A psychologist once told me you were too enmeshed in my life, instead of having a separate life as an independant adult, my adult life is way too linked to you in a child/parent dynamic. It's not healthy and it wreaks havoc on my personal relationships.
When I've spent time away from you I forget what our relationship is like in close quarters. I'm very flighty by nature and sometimes in my relationship with Mojo I become stuck, and feel stagnant, bored and unstimulated. These are the times I feel the need to run away. I become numb and unfeeling. What I NEED during those times is a break - NOT a breakup!
Instead of forcing me to face these issues like an adult you enable me to keep running away. The Family make it far too easy for me to up and leave, even though this isn't what I actually want - I can see no other way out at the time. What I need is a week/end away, maybe to come and see you, maybe just at a hotel somewhere that is NOT home.
The fact is, as much as you hate it. I love Mojo, I always have and I always will. He's been in my life far longer than I've been born into this body and I don't intend to completely cut him out.
In fact, quite the opposite. I intend to move back to where he is and live with him in Darwin.
I'm sorry that this will hurt you, as that really isn't my intention. My intention is to live MY life for ME and be true to myself and what *I* actually want, not what I think everyone thinks I should want.
I love you, I love you more when I'm not around.
Love From Me.
I have a few things to get off my chest, I have to write them because I need to be heard without interruption.
Things are not working for me here in Bathurst, not just because it's cold and not just because I haven't given it enough time. It's not working because of my relationship with you and The Family.
You are my family, and I love you, however I find it really hard to live in close proximity to you all. It's a love I can only stand in little doses from a distance. As brutal and harsh as this is going to sound I find your involvement in my life FAR too overbearing, controlling and critical.
A psychologist once told me you were too enmeshed in my life, instead of having a separate life as an independant adult, my adult life is way too linked to you in a child/parent dynamic. It's not healthy and it wreaks havoc on my personal relationships.
When I've spent time away from you I forget what our relationship is like in close quarters. I'm very flighty by nature and sometimes in my relationship with Mojo I become stuck, and feel stagnant, bored and unstimulated. These are the times I feel the need to run away. I become numb and unfeeling. What I NEED during those times is a break - NOT a breakup!
Instead of forcing me to face these issues like an adult you enable me to keep running away. The Family make it far too easy for me to up and leave, even though this isn't what I actually want - I can see no other way out at the time. What I need is a week/end away, maybe to come and see you, maybe just at a hotel somewhere that is NOT home.
The fact is, as much as you hate it. I love Mojo, I always have and I always will. He's been in my life far longer than I've been born into this body and I don't intend to completely cut him out.
In fact, quite the opposite. I intend to move back to where he is and live with him in Darwin.
I'm sorry that this will hurt you, as that really isn't my intention. My intention is to live MY life for ME and be true to myself and what *I* actually want, not what I think everyone thinks I should want.
I love you, I love you more when I'm not around.
Love From Me.
A Note to Self.
Dear Tempest,
This is a courteous letter to poin out some things I want you to remember when you hit a wall, which you tend to do so I don't think it's being too pessimistic writing this to you now.
1. You really do love Mojo, stop trying to convince yourself you don't. You have never loved anyone else, and won't likely love anyone else the way you do him. He loves you too, start listening to the things he tells you - he makes it known all the time in his subtle Mojo ways. He loves you. Belive him.
2. You don't NEED to move away, you need a break away - probably together. Hire an overnight baby sitter and grab a night in a hotel somewhere. OR go on a holiday to see someone for a week. Do something different instead of running away.
3. You do not like being close to your family. You love them, of course, but they are an interferring, controlling, manipulative, negetive lot and you really can't stand them. This will never change.
4. Do you REALLY think taking the kids away from Mojo again is the best thing to do? Trust me when I tell you this - you don't. You always doubt your decision and hate yourself when you do it. Stop doing it.
5. You do not do well in the cold, ever. You never have. Everytime you move to Bathurst you get cold and the cold makes you depressed. Remember the S.A.D?? Don't go there. It's no good for you or your kids.
Please remember these points nex time you're sad, or even if you think you're sad. I am telling you the truth. I know, because I'm you.
Lots of love
Me.
This is a courteous letter to poin out some things I want you to remember when you hit a wall, which you tend to do so I don't think it's being too pessimistic writing this to you now.
1. You really do love Mojo, stop trying to convince yourself you don't. You have never loved anyone else, and won't likely love anyone else the way you do him. He loves you too, start listening to the things he tells you - he makes it known all the time in his subtle Mojo ways. He loves you. Belive him.
2. You don't NEED to move away, you need a break away - probably together. Hire an overnight baby sitter and grab a night in a hotel somewhere. OR go on a holiday to see someone for a week. Do something different instead of running away.
3. You do not like being close to your family. You love them, of course, but they are an interferring, controlling, manipulative, negetive lot and you really can't stand them. This will never change.
4. Do you REALLY think taking the kids away from Mojo again is the best thing to do? Trust me when I tell you this - you don't. You always doubt your decision and hate yourself when you do it. Stop doing it.
5. You do not do well in the cold, ever. You never have. Everytime you move to Bathurst you get cold and the cold makes you depressed. Remember the S.A.D?? Don't go there. It's no good for you or your kids.
Please remember these points nex time you're sad, or even if you think you're sad. I am telling you the truth. I know, because I'm you.
Lots of love
Me.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Sore Throats and Mental Health
I have a killer sore throat tonight. It hurts to breathe, cough, swallow and talk - basically everything it takes to live normally lol. I also have a cold, my THIRD cold since moving to Bathurst.
I did some googling, as I do, and found out that according to Louise L. Hay (she wrote the You Can Heal Your Life book; which links physical ailments to an emotional core) a sore throat happens when you are holding in angry words and feeling unable to express ourselves. She also says that one will experience a cold when they are suffering mental confusion and too much going on. Both of those pretty much sum up my life right now.
I am confused, I have too much going on in my head and I am biting my tonuge at least 50 times a day so I don't rock the boat. Sometimes I wish I could just capsize the fucking boat and drown everyone on it!
And yes, the Goddess is giving me signs, just like I asked her to. Maybe I should ask her to get me out of the lease. Goddess, please open up an opportunity that allows me to get out of my lease early so that I can go to Darwin. Thanks.
till next time...
*cough*
I did some googling, as I do, and found out that according to Louise L. Hay (she wrote the You Can Heal Your Life book; which links physical ailments to an emotional core) a sore throat happens when you are holding in angry words and feeling unable to express ourselves. She also says that one will experience a cold when they are suffering mental confusion and too much going on. Both of those pretty much sum up my life right now.
I am confused, I have too much going on in my head and I am biting my tonuge at least 50 times a day so I don't rock the boat. Sometimes I wish I could just capsize the fucking boat and drown everyone on it!
And yes, the Goddess is giving me signs, just like I asked her to. Maybe I should ask her to get me out of the lease. Goddess, please open up an opportunity that allows me to get out of my lease early so that I can go to Darwin. Thanks.
till next time...
*cough*
Thursday, April 15, 2010
To move or Not to move. That is, not really, the Question.
Regardless of what I do, I will be making a mistake in someone elses eyes. I shouldn't really care, but I suppose I have been conditioned to do just that. Just by breathing I am letting someone down.
If I was being true to MYSELF (and not thinking of anyone else on the face of the earth - My little Lioness and Fish included) then I would be selling everything I own (save my laptop, TV, a few books, clothes and 2 or 3 prized possesions) breaking my lease and leaving for Darwin at the next available opportunity.
Sadly, I cannot do that. I am in such an enourmous amount of personal debt... and not bank debt, or credit card debt, or store card debt, but FAMILY DEBT. Which is, by far, the worst kind I think. And this family debt is being used a means to keep me here by guilting me into oblivion.
How could you up and leave when we spent SO MUCH to get you down here? Do I need to remind you how much money your father spent on the truck and the new license so he could DRIVE to get you??
See, I can here the protests already.
You never see anything through, you told me you were done, you said you would give it 6 months! Can't you just give it six months??
No, I could not possible stand to stay here six months, I think it would drive me even more insane than I am now.
Do I really need to remind you how unhappy you were with Mojo?? I can SHOW you the emails???
No, you don't need to remind me. I actually remember, however I have come to realise that I really didnt need to move away, what I needed was a holiday. Just a week and I felt fine.
As it is, the situation will play out like this: I'm either in Darwin, with Mojo, where my heart is, where my children belong (with their father), and risk facing some periods of unhappiness with him, which I will be forced to deal with like an adult in a committed relationship (I'm assuming he would even take me back) OR I am here, with my family, unhappy, longing to be somewhere else, keeping my children away from their father, and ANGRY and BITTER and FURIOUS with my family and their constant criticism, interfering, and inter-personal bullshit. On top of that, my S.A.D flares up horrifically here, because of the horrible winters, and my little Fish's skin breaks out in psoriasis.
It's that horrible black cloud of enormous guilt that stops me from just walking away. I just don't know what to do about it. I suppose after I sell everything I could give them a portion of what I make to help soften the blow of me leaving.
Shit WILL hit the fan when I tell them. I am not looking forward to that day. I will discuss all these posts with my psycholgist on wednesday and see what she says. I would love to have a magic wand to just get rid of these hurdles.
If I was being true to MYSELF (and not thinking of anyone else on the face of the earth - My little Lioness and Fish included) then I would be selling everything I own (save my laptop, TV, a few books, clothes and 2 or 3 prized possesions) breaking my lease and leaving for Darwin at the next available opportunity.
Sadly, I cannot do that. I am in such an enourmous amount of personal debt... and not bank debt, or credit card debt, or store card debt, but FAMILY DEBT. Which is, by far, the worst kind I think. And this family debt is being used a means to keep me here by guilting me into oblivion.
How could you up and leave when we spent SO MUCH to get you down here? Do I need to remind you how much money your father spent on the truck and the new license so he could DRIVE to get you??
See, I can here the protests already.
You never see anything through, you told me you were done, you said you would give it 6 months! Can't you just give it six months??
No, I could not possible stand to stay here six months, I think it would drive me even more insane than I am now.
Do I really need to remind you how unhappy you were with Mojo?? I can SHOW you the emails???
No, you don't need to remind me. I actually remember, however I have come to realise that I really didnt need to move away, what I needed was a holiday. Just a week and I felt fine.
As it is, the situation will play out like this: I'm either in Darwin, with Mojo, where my heart is, where my children belong (with their father), and risk facing some periods of unhappiness with him, which I will be forced to deal with like an adult in a committed relationship (I'm assuming he would even take me back) OR I am here, with my family, unhappy, longing to be somewhere else, keeping my children away from their father, and ANGRY and BITTER and FURIOUS with my family and their constant criticism, interfering, and inter-personal bullshit. On top of that, my S.A.D flares up horrifically here, because of the horrible winters, and my little Fish's skin breaks out in psoriasis.
It's that horrible black cloud of enormous guilt that stops me from just walking away. I just don't know what to do about it. I suppose after I sell everything I could give them a portion of what I make to help soften the blow of me leaving.
Shit WILL hit the fan when I tell them. I am not looking forward to that day. I will discuss all these posts with my psycholgist on wednesday and see what she says. I would love to have a magic wand to just get rid of these hurdles.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Introduction
My name is Tempest* I am 29 years old and I live in Australia.
However, I'm not where I want to be, nor who I want to be. I'm nowhere near the people I want to be around. Whilst I live close to my biological family, I don't feel they nurture or support me the way I need it.
Right now, I have a head ache, and am seriously thinking giving this whole blogging thing a miss. But I was told it would be beneficial to get my thoughts out, so here it goes.
I am in love with a man that my birth family hate. I'm really not sure how much influence that has over the way I feel towards them, but I imagine it's a fair chunk. I have two children to this man, I'll call him Mojo. Our children are Boy6 and Girl2. They are amazing, beautiful children. Gentle and kind and full of wisdom. They have inherited great intelligence from both their father and I, and a beauty that could only have been bestowed by the Gods themselves. They are far more beautiful than Mojo or I could ever hope to be.
My life has been one of struggle and sadness from a young age. Even as a toddler I was pensive and deep, solving the worlds problems in my little head whilst daydreaming about witches and dragons.
I was young, and naive when I met Mojo and he took my breath away. He was what I had always wanted. Beautiful and intellectual, spiritual and creative, Funny and enigmatic. I adored him from first site, and adore him still, today - 10 years on. Our life has not been a smooth one together. I am a deeply wounded soul, and I tend to run away when things get to overwhelming. I am flighty by nature and get carried away with my own sorrow sometimes. Mojo is very grounded, sometimes far too much. He can become stagnant and unchanging, when in fact change is exactly what is needed. We are earth and air, complete opposites. When I am happy, I soar along him in bliss and contentment. When I am not, I stir up the dust till neither of us can see. And then I depart, like an angry hurricane, until I calm down and find my centre again.
I have gone and returned from Mojo's side far too often. He takes it in his stride, which irritates me somewhat. He is so relaxed he is almost asleep, and it can be hard to get an emotional reaction out of him. Whilst I am turbulent and emotive, he is solid and calm. Again, complete opposites.
Despite our polar differences my heart is firmly anchored to his. Even when I don't want it to be, even when I think that it's not, I find that when I am quiet and calm, I can hear his name beating in my chest. He is a soul mate, and we have gone through many lives together, and apart, trying to learn the lessons that will allow us to just be.
Alas, I have found myself, once again away from him. Floating aimlessly through my current lesson with no real direction. My soul aches, my body pains, my mind screams out in horror when he is not near me. And I am faced with a dilemma. That dilemma involves my birth family and their ability to completely enmesh themselves in my life, till they are almost overtaking it and smothering me.
My family paid, in entirety, for me to leave Mojo's side and return to them. At the time I was hurting and lost and full of sorrow. I didn't know where we were going, it seemed we were going nowhere. Treading water in the middle of a swamp, dank and foul. So they paid thousands, literally, to get me back here. And now that I am here I feel dirty and ill. I cannot hold onto my health, my mind is aching, my whole head constantly feels full and sore. It is cold and I am sad, a different sorrow to what I felt with Mojo.
He has moved to sunnier skies, much further north than I ever thought I'd go, and my heart strings that connect him to me are straining painfully under the desire to return to his side.
And so there, is my problem. My soul wants nothing more than to be with Mojo. My logical mind tells me my obligation is to stay here, near my birth family, because they paid so much to get me here. They do not make me happy. They are over-involved, critical, elitist, snobby bitches and there is such a strong part of me that wants to yell and scream and hate them. I want to remove myself from them completely. I have never been able to live up to their expectations and it pains me. I am just not good enough here.
So what now, i ask myself, am I to do. Stay here, miserable and lonely and angry, out of duty to a debt I cannot repay. Or move, to be where my heart is, in an unknown town, where I know no-one but Mojo. Does he even want me there with him? I really cannot say. He tells me what will be, will be, and if he and I are meant to be then the circumstances will change to allow it. Sometimes I would prefer a straight answer, even if it was a no.
And so I will update this blog, to track my journey, and hopefully to help me learn whatever lessons I am to know.
Till then
TS
*Name changed to protect the hiding.
However, I'm not where I want to be, nor who I want to be. I'm nowhere near the people I want to be around. Whilst I live close to my biological family, I don't feel they nurture or support me the way I need it.
Right now, I have a head ache, and am seriously thinking giving this whole blogging thing a miss. But I was told it would be beneficial to get my thoughts out, so here it goes.
I am in love with a man that my birth family hate. I'm really not sure how much influence that has over the way I feel towards them, but I imagine it's a fair chunk. I have two children to this man, I'll call him Mojo. Our children are Boy6 and Girl2. They are amazing, beautiful children. Gentle and kind and full of wisdom. They have inherited great intelligence from both their father and I, and a beauty that could only have been bestowed by the Gods themselves. They are far more beautiful than Mojo or I could ever hope to be.
My life has been one of struggle and sadness from a young age. Even as a toddler I was pensive and deep, solving the worlds problems in my little head whilst daydreaming about witches and dragons.
I was young, and naive when I met Mojo and he took my breath away. He was what I had always wanted. Beautiful and intellectual, spiritual and creative, Funny and enigmatic. I adored him from first site, and adore him still, today - 10 years on. Our life has not been a smooth one together. I am a deeply wounded soul, and I tend to run away when things get to overwhelming. I am flighty by nature and get carried away with my own sorrow sometimes. Mojo is very grounded, sometimes far too much. He can become stagnant and unchanging, when in fact change is exactly what is needed. We are earth and air, complete opposites. When I am happy, I soar along him in bliss and contentment. When I am not, I stir up the dust till neither of us can see. And then I depart, like an angry hurricane, until I calm down and find my centre again.
I have gone and returned from Mojo's side far too often. He takes it in his stride, which irritates me somewhat. He is so relaxed he is almost asleep, and it can be hard to get an emotional reaction out of him. Whilst I am turbulent and emotive, he is solid and calm. Again, complete opposites.
Despite our polar differences my heart is firmly anchored to his. Even when I don't want it to be, even when I think that it's not, I find that when I am quiet and calm, I can hear his name beating in my chest. He is a soul mate, and we have gone through many lives together, and apart, trying to learn the lessons that will allow us to just be.
Alas, I have found myself, once again away from him. Floating aimlessly through my current lesson with no real direction. My soul aches, my body pains, my mind screams out in horror when he is not near me. And I am faced with a dilemma. That dilemma involves my birth family and their ability to completely enmesh themselves in my life, till they are almost overtaking it and smothering me.
My family paid, in entirety, for me to leave Mojo's side and return to them. At the time I was hurting and lost and full of sorrow. I didn't know where we were going, it seemed we were going nowhere. Treading water in the middle of a swamp, dank and foul. So they paid thousands, literally, to get me back here. And now that I am here I feel dirty and ill. I cannot hold onto my health, my mind is aching, my whole head constantly feels full and sore. It is cold and I am sad, a different sorrow to what I felt with Mojo.
He has moved to sunnier skies, much further north than I ever thought I'd go, and my heart strings that connect him to me are straining painfully under the desire to return to his side.
And so there, is my problem. My soul wants nothing more than to be with Mojo. My logical mind tells me my obligation is to stay here, near my birth family, because they paid so much to get me here. They do not make me happy. They are over-involved, critical, elitist, snobby bitches and there is such a strong part of me that wants to yell and scream and hate them. I want to remove myself from them completely. I have never been able to live up to their expectations and it pains me. I am just not good enough here.
So what now, i ask myself, am I to do. Stay here, miserable and lonely and angry, out of duty to a debt I cannot repay. Or move, to be where my heart is, in an unknown town, where I know no-one but Mojo. Does he even want me there with him? I really cannot say. He tells me what will be, will be, and if he and I are meant to be then the circumstances will change to allow it. Sometimes I would prefer a straight answer, even if it was a no.
And so I will update this blog, to track my journey, and hopefully to help me learn whatever lessons I am to know.
Till then
TS
*Name changed to protect the hiding.
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