Tuesday, May 25, 2010

the "joys" of parenthood

I really hate being a parent some nights... most nights. Tonight especially. I am really disliking my children. It's nights like this when I can understand parents who snap and beat their children. That overwhelming sense of frustration.

When I feel like this, and I'm hating my life and I'm hating my children and I'm hating being a parent, it makes me not want to go to Darwin to be with Mojo. I don't want to dump this on him. I don't want to give him two unruly children and a mother who is so frazzled, stressed and unhappy that I'd like to burn my house down.

I hate feeling like this.
I'm sorry love.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

When Family is Toxic

I'm really angry right now. Really, really, really angry.
To make it worse I have horrible stomach cramps that are just making me crankier.

I told my Grandmother on Monday that I wouldn't be staying. I told her as gently as I could, given the circumstances. She was upset, of course, but took it well. This morning she calls me and tells me she's not up to coming to take Little Fish to school. This was fine, I didn't mind. I knew she wasn't feeling well but I couldn't help but wonder if this was a punishment. Anyway I got Little Fish to and from school via other means, so it really wasn't a problem.

Mother came over this afternoon and tells me that Grandmother's friend (who is a nurse) believes she has had a Mini-stroke! Of course, this is all my fault. Mother didn't say that, but she said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told Grandmother. Like I said to Mother, what was I supposed to do? Lie? Disappear one day never to return? Send her a postcard after the fact??

Grandmother is deeply saddened because she fears that she is at an age (she's 78) where this may be the last she ever sees of me, the little Fish and the little Lioness. Whilst this may be true, I cannot wait for her to die so that I am allowed to move. That is just emotional blackmail.

Grandmother called tonight, and sounded better, said she would come tomorrow to take Little Fish to school. She still has the flu, but has recovered from this morning. I bid farewell to her and soon after Mother calls. Apparently Father had called her and asked if she knew how sick Grandmother was. Father then proceeded to barrage Mother for not changing my mind about moving.

Father also asked why Grandmother paid for the wood for my fire. Mother explained that my Uncle (who chopped and delivered the wood) turned up unannounced and Grandmother offered to pay him. I would then get the money off Mother and reimburse her. Father was furious and asked why I hadn't given her the money yet, which Mother again explained; because I hadn't SEEN Grandmother since then. I have the money in my purse and I will be giving it back to her tomorrow.

Mother said the whole conversation with Father was horrible, and they left with Mother saying "goodbye" and hanging up without waiting for a reply. This is SO typical of my family. All the stupid inter-fighting and blaming each other for shit. And they honestly think they could talk me into staying.... staying with THAT!

Goddess of Money
and earthly delights
I ask for your help
in my personal plight.

I'm selling my car
I really need cash
my bookcase and furniture
to help make the dash

I ask you to fill
buyers pockets with dough
then send them my way
where their money will flow.

I need buyers fast
so I can make a deposit
on my removalist account
I don't him to toss it.

The tickets are booked
but I still need the money
so I can get all my stuff
to NT with my honey.

So Mote it Be!
impromptu spell-poetry.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

When the Rent is due.

I'm feeling really nervous about the rent situation in NT. The rents are so stupidly expensive. A 2 bedroom unit costs around $350 a week. That's $700 a fortnight - that's $100 less than I pay A MONTH for my rent now. If Mojo's not working (and neither am I) that will leave us $800 a fortnight to cover everything else. Food, bills, petrol, school fees, debts... I don't know if we'll manage it. What's worse is that the waiting list for Dept Housing is 3 years.
I need to get back into study and renew my skills so I can get some work. I'm so out of touch with my workplace skills.

Anyway it's late, and I'm tired. So off to bed with me.
Got a lot on tomorrow.

The Ball Is Rolling

It's all happening, and I'm loving it.
All the family know now, of the move, and it just makes things so much easier.
I can actively pack and talk about my move now and it feels wonderful.

I'm booking my tickets tomorrow. SO EXCITING!!!! It means we're actually moving, and we're REALLY doing it in June.

I'm praying my car sells before the 1st June. I need to book my removalist ASAP so I can secure the date.

The Moving Sale has been organised for May 29th. I'm going to organise some advertising for that this week. I need to grab some more boxes too, for the Garage Sale. I don't have many tables so I'll have to use the book-case, TV Unit, coffee tables, and Dining Table as displays for the other stuff.

I just cannot wait to touch Mojo again. The though of that first hug gives me tingles.

Friday, May 7, 2010

An insecure storm

I'm feeling horribly insecure at the moment. I guess it's all the talk of strippers. ALL THE TIME. How the fuck can I compete with that??? How can I expect a man to be happy coming home to this when he's been out looking at that. Strippers are strippers because men love looking at them practically naked.
I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to be feel secure with that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to poop on his parade, I'm happy for him to be out and about and enjoying himself. I just don't know how to be naked around him after his eyes have been bombarded with actual beauty.

I don't want to be disappointing. I remember Mojo told me once that Guys like to have things that their peers will be envious of. Let's be honest here, no one would envy Mojo for having me. I'm not sexy or sensual. I'm to horrified of myself to go out. I don't dance.

And maybe I've just been here too long and let myself get used to feeling like crap. And maybe I let Father's comments get to me, about how he didn't know if my weight effected my relationship but it probably did. And maybe I've just let all the talk of eating differently and getting fit and doing stuff get to me; like it's some underhanded way of telling me to stop being so damn fat all the time.

I don't know.

Airfares, removalist and packing - OH MY!

Going to book my tickets soon, hopefully. If Mojo is still okay to spot me the money. Mum is going to help me cull my stuff, so that basically everything that's left will be either A) Taken with me or B) Sold at the Garage Sale.
Selling some books and things on Ebay, hopefully I can make some money from that.

Can't wait to get to Darwin to be with Mojo, I've been dreaming about him and every feeling was so real. *sigh*

Booking my driving test on Monday. YAY!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The ice is thin

It's 7 degrees here this morning. My hands are so numb that I can't really feel the keys under my fingers. What was the reason I'm waiting till the 17th to move?? It's only going to get colder and colder only means more miserable and miserable only means more insecure and emo.
I'm drinking way too much coffee and eating way too much toast because it's the only way I can get remotely warm. The fire is costing me heaps and it doesn't work as well as I would like. Even with it roaring I'm still freezing, a lot of my internal doors don't shut properly so I can't contain the heat.

blah blah I know I'm whinging. I just hate it. I just want to be warm.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

June 17th

I've booked my removalist. He'll be here on the 14th June to collect my things.
Which means I need to have my garage sale either the weekend of the 5th or the 12th.
Also checked out countrycars.com.au and according to them I could get about $3000 which would be so amazingly awesome. Hell if I can get TWO GRAND that would cover the cost of my move entirely.

I can put my car on Countrycars.com.au for $40. If I put it on there for $2000 and actually get it, god it would just be a dream come true!

I love you, angel, I cannot wait to be there with you in the sweltering heat LOL

Sunday, May 2, 2010

A Flawed Ruby

My car needs fixing. There is something wrong with the bushes and the shocks. Got the quote to fix them today... $1680. I probably wouldn't get much more than that if I sold it. So that's probably what Im going to do, if I can sell it for $1000 then that's half of what I need to move. That way I only need to make another $1000 or so from the Garage Sale to do that.

Here's what I'm hoping to get from the Garage Sale:

3 seat Lounge & 2 Arm Chairs - $100 (May sell on ebay)
Lowline TV Unit - $30
Bookshelf - $30
5 piece Dining - $30
9 drawer dresser with mirror - $30
Childs wardrobe with draws - $20
lowboy 3x drawer - $10
2x Bedside Table = $10
Childs desk with 2xChairs = $10
Washing Machine - $20
Dryer - $50
Swing Set - $50
Glass Coffee Table - $20
Wooden Coffee Table - $10
Buffet & Hutch - $200 (may sell on ebay)
Convection Microwave - $15
2x double door wardrobes with key - $5 each
Books = $50
Kitchen Appliances = $10
Bric-a-brac = $50
TOTAL = $775

Okay, so not quite $1000 but close.
The books/appliances/bric-a-brac is a rough estimate. I have no idea how much that stuff will go for.
The problem with Garage Sales is that people want to pay $2 for everything. I want my furniture to actually fetch me some good money, I'm not selling it to get rid of it exactly. I'm selling it for the money.

*fingers crossed*

We are just misguided ghosts

Mother knows I'm going to Darwin, and in fact the whole reveal went so smoothly it was almost a non-event and left me wondering if she actually heard me. The little Fish and Lioness stayed at Mother's house last night and apparently Lioness told her that we were "moving to Darwin to be with daddy". Mother asked Fish, who confirmed that we were going to Darwin. Part of me is annoyed that she would ask, like she was searching for information that she knew they would be to innocent to deny.
So Mother says to me today, are you planning on going to Darwin? To which I replied "Yes, I'm thinking about it". Mother just said "oh, tempest" and that was it. It was actually a very lovely day otherwise.

I think Mother still thinks I'll be here till the end of my lease, because she still talks about me getting more wood to survive the winter. Wishful thinking, perhaps. Anyway my plan of action is to contact my real estate, inform them that Fish's skin has suffered since being here and I have been tentatively diagnosed with S.A.D with the options of either Drugs or moving to a warmer climate to manage it. The more notice I give them, the easier the break will be. The more time they have to find another tenant. I will tell them that my plan is to move mid-June. That gives them approximately 6 weeks notice. That should be plenty, if they do their job.

I'm going to order some flyers for the Garage Sale, organise to sell my car and confirm my quote to move. I'll have to send Mojo to do a very small bit of house hunting, just look through a couple of places 2 weeks or so before I get there, so we can shortlist a few. Hopefully I'll have enough money for bond, otherwise we might have to apply for a bond loan through the dept housing.

Anyway, the point is, it's all happening!
I love you, Angel!