Sunday, April 18, 2010

The evil moster: Self Doubt

Bathurst brings me down. It feeds my self doubt and my nagging insecurities. Granted Mercury is retrograde and I'm scared I'll hear things I don't want to hear - so I'm looking for those things - which is twisted.

I've come to realise I need things in my life to keep it interesting. When things become routine I become bored, stagnant and that's when I get the urge to run away. I need things to happen, I need people in my life.

When I'm loving Mojo (which is always, but that's beside the point) it helps to have a little competition every now and then to wake me up. Nothing serious, and not cheating, but just an extra interested party to keep me on my toes. That is probably really twisted but it seems to work for me, as long as it doesn't go on too long.

I'm terrified that moving to Darwin won't have the outcome I want. Ultimately, I just want to live happily with Mojo, get married maybe (at least take on his name), get a job and just be a family. That self doubt is rearing it's ugly head now, telling me that's not what he wants. Sure he wants me in Darwin with the kids... but does he want me with him in Darwin.... see how the self-doubt monster works?

When I'm still, centered and in my power I can look at things more objectively. I liken my relationship to Mojo to that of a Movie Producer and her Star Leading Man. One, happy in the spotlight, will charm and entertain. The other, behind the scenes happy to watch. Feeling secure in the knowledge she can pull the curtains when the audiance gets a little too star struck. When we are in our roles, this is what we are like, totally compatible although completely different. We compliment each other. I have no desire to be in the spotlight so I have no need to compete with Mojo for attention. I'm more the silent voyer type LOL Happy to watch silently from a distance. When Mojo isn't entertaining and/or I'm not watching things get out of whack, they get stale and boring. Mojo starts lacking the desire to be in the spotlight, and I lose the motivation to shine said spotlight on him. Our relationship fizzles and dies.

There is one thing, in all of this, that is constantly true; when we work together we work beautifully. That is what I want for our life, I want fun, I want games, friends, people, opportunities to play. I want us to be able to share that knowing glance that we get when things are working. I know that look in his eyes so well, like it has been pre-programed in my brain before birth.

Till next time

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