My name is Tempest* I am 29 years old and I live in Australia.
However, I'm not where I want to be, nor who I want to be. I'm nowhere near the people I want to be around. Whilst I live close to my biological family, I don't feel they nurture or support me the way I need it.
Right now, I have a head ache, and am seriously thinking giving this whole blogging thing a miss. But I was told it would be beneficial to get my thoughts out, so here it goes.
I am in love with a man that my birth family hate. I'm really not sure how much influence that has over the way I feel towards them, but I imagine it's a fair chunk. I have two children to this man, I'll call him Mojo. Our children are Boy6 and Girl2. They are amazing, beautiful children. Gentle and kind and full of wisdom. They have inherited great intelligence from both their father and I, and a beauty that could only have been bestowed by the Gods themselves. They are far more beautiful than Mojo or I could ever hope to be.
My life has been one of struggle and sadness from a young age. Even as a toddler I was pensive and deep, solving the worlds problems in my little head whilst daydreaming about witches and dragons.
I was young, and naive when I met Mojo and he took my breath away. He was what I had always wanted. Beautiful and intellectual, spiritual and creative, Funny and enigmatic. I adored him from first site, and adore him still, today - 10 years on. Our life has not been a smooth one together. I am a deeply wounded soul, and I tend to run away when things get to overwhelming. I am flighty by nature and get carried away with my own sorrow sometimes. Mojo is very grounded, sometimes far too much. He can become stagnant and unchanging, when in fact change is exactly what is needed. We are earth and air, complete opposites. When I am happy, I soar along him in bliss and contentment. When I am not, I stir up the dust till neither of us can see. And then I depart, like an angry hurricane, until I calm down and find my centre again.
I have gone and returned from Mojo's side far too often. He takes it in his stride, which irritates me somewhat. He is so relaxed he is almost asleep, and it can be hard to get an emotional reaction out of him. Whilst I am turbulent and emotive, he is solid and calm. Again, complete opposites.
Despite our polar differences my heart is firmly anchored to his. Even when I don't want it to be, even when I think that it's not, I find that when I am quiet and calm, I can hear his name beating in my chest. He is a soul mate, and we have gone through many lives together, and apart, trying to learn the lessons that will allow us to just be.
Alas, I have found myself, once again away from him. Floating aimlessly through my current lesson with no real direction. My soul aches, my body pains, my mind screams out in horror when he is not near me. And I am faced with a dilemma. That dilemma involves my birth family and their ability to completely enmesh themselves in my life, till they are almost overtaking it and smothering me.
My family paid, in entirety, for me to leave Mojo's side and return to them. At the time I was hurting and lost and full of sorrow. I didn't know where we were going, it seemed we were going nowhere. Treading water in the middle of a swamp, dank and foul. So they paid thousands, literally, to get me back here. And now that I am here I feel dirty and ill. I cannot hold onto my health, my mind is aching, my whole head constantly feels full and sore. It is cold and I am sad, a different sorrow to what I felt with Mojo.
He has moved to sunnier skies, much further north than I ever thought I'd go, and my heart strings that connect him to me are straining painfully under the desire to return to his side.
And so there, is my problem. My soul wants nothing more than to be with Mojo. My logical mind tells me my obligation is to stay here, near my birth family, because they paid so much to get me here. They do not make me happy. They are over-involved, critical, elitist, snobby bitches and there is such a strong part of me that wants to yell and scream and hate them. I want to remove myself from them completely. I have never been able to live up to their expectations and it pains me. I am just not good enough here.
So what now, i ask myself, am I to do. Stay here, miserable and lonely and angry, out of duty to a debt I cannot repay. Or move, to be where my heart is, in an unknown town, where I know no-one but Mojo. Does he even want me there with him? I really cannot say. He tells me what will be, will be, and if he and I are meant to be then the circumstances will change to allow it. Sometimes I would prefer a straight answer, even if it was a no.
And so I will update this blog, to track my journey, and hopefully to help me learn whatever lessons I am to know.
*Name changed to protect the hiding.