Tuesday, April 20, 2010

why yes, those are teeth marks in my tongue

I was SO close to just blowing the lid on my move to Darwin today. I'm tired of having to skirt around it. I'm tired of having to listen to my family bitch to me about all the things wrong with my pathetic (in their eyes) life.

If I wanted people to dictate ever aspect of my life I'd move to a prison. I'm finding myself being snide and even rude towards my family. It's so unlike me, but it actually feels good. My family are not liking it. They are not used to me talking back - ever.

Yesterday, if you had asked me when I was moving to Darwin I would have told you probably another 6 to 8 weeks. If you asked me now, I will tell you as soon as it's physically practical. I've been trying to do the right thing and hold out until I speak to the shrink and get an objective view point. I've already made up the Flyer I'll place around to advertise the Garage Sale. I've also written up a bit of a list for my big ticket items and how much they will cost. I think I will sell the TV and the Buffet on eBay because I will get more for them. People come to Garage Sales expecting to pay $5 and under for everything. They will need to understand I need the MONEY more than I need to get rid of some crap; so no I will not sell my frost free fridge/freezer for $10, nor will I sell my brand new 32" LCD TV for $50. I paid $749 for that TV, I will sell it (with 7 years warranty) for $650. I think that's reasonable. I'll even throw the DVD player in with it.

If I can sell all of my furniture items I'll walk away with about $1500. Sounds pathetic for the amount of stuff I'll be selling, but I have to keep in mind people will be expecting Garage Sale prices. I'll be selling all my books and crockery and cutlery too. *sighs*

I don't know what I'll do if my family suddenly decide to 'take back' all the things they've given me. I need to have at LEAST $600 to cover the travel costs. Granted I'll be selling my car, but I'll be lucky if I get $1500 for that.
I need to give mum $749 for the TV, and I really want to give Dad some money back too. To compensate for the money he spent getting me. I wish I could just walk away and give them nothing, but that is awful and the guilt would kill me.

I just... don't want to be anywhere near them. I feel awful for thinking it, but I'd love to just cut them out of my life. For the most part, they aren't very nice people and I so feel like the black sheep of the family.

When I look at this from a practical, analytic view point I have no idea how I will possibly achieve this move. I was shuffling my Path of Soul destiny cards and the Rebirth Card fell out. I read the corresponding description and it says to me "Take time away in solitude. Things will change during this powerful process. It's OK. Everything is exactly how it should be". And it reminded me to just let go, and trust, and know that I will get to Darwin, no matter how it looks at this exact moment.


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