Wednesday, April 21, 2010

An uphill battle

I'm struggling. Really, really struggling and it's scaring me. I haven't felt this desperate and anxious in so long. I just don't know what to do with it. I cannot sleep, I can't eat properly, I feel nauseas and horrible.

My heart is telling me to just go. Run. Sell everything you own, throw it out, burn it, whatever GET RID OF IT and fly. My mind is telling me to just wait... but I don't know what I'm waiting for... permission? I'm never going to get that. Assurance that Mojo really wants me there, and that I'm not something to amuse him while he's bored? How can I really know if he's telling me the truth... I want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to fuck it up again.

I just want to love Mojo, and live quietly in our own way with our family and be happy. I'm scared the psychologist is going to make me wait for ever before I can go. I know she can't really MAKE me wait... no one can make me wait.

God I hate being such a fucking coward.
I'm sorry, Mojo.

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