Regardless of what I do, I will be making a mistake in someone elses eyes. I shouldn't really care, but I suppose I have been conditioned to do just that. Just by breathing I am letting someone down.
If I was being true to MYSELF (and not thinking of anyone else on the face of the earth - My little Lioness and Fish included) then I would be selling everything I own (save my laptop, TV, a few books, clothes and 2 or 3 prized possesions) breaking my lease and leaving for Darwin at the next available opportunity.
Sadly, I cannot do that. I am in such an enourmous amount of personal debt... and not bank debt, or credit card debt, or store card debt, but FAMILY DEBT. Which is, by far, the worst kind I think. And this family debt is being used a means to keep me here by guilting me into oblivion.
How could you up and leave when we spent SO MUCH to get you down here? Do I need to remind you how much money your father spent on the truck and the new license so he could DRIVE to get you??
See, I can here the protests already.
You never see anything through, you told me you were done, you said you would give it 6 months! Can't you just give it six months??
No, I could not possible stand to stay here six months, I think it would drive me even more insane than I am now.
Do I really need to remind you how unhappy you were with Mojo?? I can SHOW you the emails???
No, you don't need to remind me. I actually remember, however I have come to realise that I really didnt need to move away, what I needed was a holiday. Just a week and I felt fine.
As it is, the situation will play out like this: I'm either in Darwin, with Mojo, where my heart is, where my children belong (with their father), and risk facing some periods of unhappiness with him, which I will be forced to deal with like an adult in a committed relationship (I'm assuming he would even take me back) OR I am here, with my family, unhappy, longing to be somewhere else, keeping my children away from their father, and ANGRY and BITTER and FURIOUS with my family and their constant criticism, interfering, and inter-personal bullshit. On top of that, my S.A.D flares up horrifically here, because of the horrible winters, and my little Fish's skin breaks out in psoriasis.
It's that horrible black cloud of enormous guilt that stops me from just walking away. I just don't know what to do about it. I suppose after I sell everything I could give them a portion of what I make to help soften the blow of me leaving.
Shit WILL hit the fan when I tell them. I am not looking forward to that day. I will discuss all these posts with my psycholgist on wednesday and see what she says. I would love to have a magic wand to just get rid of these hurdles.