Monday, April 19, 2010

I think you should.

Most of my life I've been living according to what I think other people think I should be doing. It's painful and wastes time.

One of the myriad of intentions I'm putting out there is to stop living life for everyone else. I am not a pawn, I am not a puppet. I am okay to be me and I am okay to live life the way I want to live it. If that means I want to wake up tomorrow sell my shit and hop on the first flight to Darwin then god-damnit so be it!

I was brought up to believe I wasn't good enough on my own. I needed constant guidance and interferring because I couldn't possibly survive if I made my own decisions. All the ones I made on my own where WRONG so I must always run them past a "real adult" first. Preferably my Mother because she is the Queen of the Control Freaks.

No one has ever said to me "Tempest, it's okay to want what you want, and it's okay to change your mind and it's okay to follow your heart". All they have EVER said to me is "I think you should x,y,z."

I don't want to do that anymore. I want to take a stand. I want to get up and say - to everyone - "Thanks for your help, but I'm fine from here on in. I will make the decisions, I will take the fall if it doesn't work. I will deal with the responsibilities and the consequences on my own. Kthnxbye." I would especially like to say the Kthnxbye bit.

And you know what, when it comes down to it, who benefits from me doing what everyone else wants? One of the biggest manipulation tactics my family use are my kids. Trying to convince me that my kids will be better off nearer to them. Nearer to the bat-shit insanity that is my family... gods help them. So what about my children?? They want me to be happy and they want to live with their Daddy. That's motivation enough for me.

It's late now, I was waiting for Mojo, but I don't think he's coming back tonight :( I miss him when we don't speak. It makes me sad that I had him there with me all the time and I barely said a word... and now, sitting here I would give anything to just watch him.


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